vulnerability

I'm working on becoming more vulnerable and open. I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and questioned why anyone would ever be willing to leave themself so available to scorn, heartbreak, and ridicule. Even writing a blog (which feels like a pretty indirect way to express myself) feels uncomfortable. I guess that's why I'm doing it. Being comfortable hasn't worked out too well for me in the past.

I'm inwardly cringing as I write this, but this has been THEE hardest year of my life. It's been a year of change (generally not a fan of change), heartache, opening up, dealing with my issues, and pure joy.

I love anything Brandi Carlile sings, but lately I've been listening to "Hiding My Heart Away" kind of obsessively. Is it obsessive if you listen to a song like ten times a day? Mayhab. A wee bit. But I've just been drawn to it--like the Siren calls in the Odyssey.  Luring you in despite your reservations.  I never understood why the Sirens are so often referred to as mermaids.  They had the body of a bird and human heads.  Not very mermaid like.  And, yes, that analogy makes perfect sense... Let's move on.

The song resonates with me for several reasons, but I think the main reason is that meeting someone you care for "by accident" and falling for them is something that can take you by surprise to the point that it takes your breath away.  Blows you away.  Even when the relationship doesn't (or can't) work out, it completely tarnishes your ability to settle for adequate or "good enough." And that's a good thing, isn't it? I'm grateful for having had a glimpse into the beauty and pleasure of what could/can be. It's an insight that came at a hard price all around, which makes me hold it in even higher esteem. 

As I've said before, I'm not so sure that coincidence exists. I think if the cards hadn't fallen the way they had this year (and I mean every damn card) then I wouldn't have had the insight or strength to do the things I needed to do. And, yes,  I know I'm still being elusive, but this is just the start.