On Joy

This could be a dangerous post.  I tried Prozac for about two months.  When I went to the doctor for problems with anxiety and depression he was more than happy to pull out his prescription pad and offer me a bevvy of drugs.  He asked me whether I'd rather have an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety.  Offering me everything from Valium to Prozac. 

I said, "Are you giving me the option to choose my medication?  Why don't you just give me some Percocet and let's call it a day?!"

We agreed on Prozac and I felt grateful to have "the answer."  The thing that was going to make me feel better.  But... deep down I kinda knew it wasn't going to be "the answer."  It was possibly going to be a temporary relief, but it definitely wouldn't be the answer.  Let me just say I'm not a medication hater (refer to earlier comment on Percocet), but I'm not comfortable taking them.  I feel uncomfortable taking them because I may become too comfortable taking them.

I thought this would be me!














The medication just made me painfully tired and definitely didn't relieve my symptoms, but possibly made them worse.  I told my therapist just how little the pills were helping and that I needed to try something new.  She recommended some books which I'm currently reading.  Nothing feels as good as knowing you're helping yourself.  That you have the power and the option to change your life. 

One of the books is all about the brain.  In it there's a brain test, which helps you understand which areas of your brain may be unhealthy.  After going over my test with Janet (therapist) she noticed I had low mood, high anxiety, and ADD.

"Soooo basically I'm a mess?" I asked... half jokingly. 

She said no (she's kind) but that she wanted me to take some of the recommendations in the book to get more joy in my life.  Certain foods and activities can absolutely effect your brain's health.  I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm liking what I've read so far.

I'm on a self help book frenzy.  This is my second self help book and I have three more waiting in the wings.  I'm very particular about which books I choose.  I don't just meander into the library and load up my arms with books.  I get recommendations, read reviews, do research, and THEN decide if a book's worthy of my time. 

I've been on a journey of self discovery this year.  Yes, as cliche as that sounds it really is true.  And it didn't start out as a self directed self discovery, but it has turned out that way.  It's been more of a do or die situation and I've learned that when it comes down to it... I'm a fighter. 

What breaks your bones
Is not the load you're carrying,
What breaks you down
Is all in how you carry...

Someone I met this year who I grew very close to told me that was something he admired about me.  He said I was a fighter and that I was strong.  My therapist told me I have courage.  And my, uh, cough, cough, psychic mentioned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I have endurance.  She said I don't celebrate my accomplishments and victories but that I should.  That I deserve joy. 

And if this guy doesn't bring me joy... I'm a lost cause.