accepting imperfection part 1

The truth is... sigh...

I.Am.Not.Perfect

No, no.  It's true.

I'm not.

Not even close. 

What the hell does it mean to be perfect anyway?  If I met someone who seemed to be perfect I'd be completely suspicious of them.  Whaaat dark secrets are they hiding?  What's with this perfect facade?  And I'd probably find them pretty boring.  And I can't hang with boring people.  Maybe I have a hard time differentiating between "normal" and "perfect."  Wow, what does that say about me? 

Even my Finn isn't perfect.  But I LOVE him for his imperfections.  He finds that his way of doing things is pretty much the best (only) way and I should just save myself the effort and get on board.  For example, when we go for walks and he's fascinated by a rock, leaves, pumpkins, etc, it's extreeemely hard to get him to walk away and shift his attention.  A few times I've threatened to leave with:

"Okay, well you can stay, but mommy's ready to go... soooo I'm leaving."

"Ok.  Bye bye mama."

Ahh...outwitted by my 22 month old.  Well played. 

He also likes to touch, tap, or, you know, smack (pure semantics) others' faces and heads.  Thinks it's fascinating.  His favorite target playmate is his dog.  And Stryder has made an art of dodging and evading Finn.  However, when he inflicts this activity on other children... that's where it becomes an issue.  And it's sort of difficult to keep delivering the same message to him over and over and see no change in behavior.  I try different techniques, including removing him from the scene.  Alas... for now... the heart wants what it wants.  He's not ready to let go of this phase yet. 

It can be a little embarassing.  Like when he threw a handful of sand at a little girl's face at the park.  Or when a little girl came up to flirt with him and he smiled at her.  Then got a little closer.  Still a little closer.  Until his fingers were in her eyeballs.  Not what she had in mind. 

Thus, I get a little anxious these days when we're playing with other kids because I'm waiting for him to cross the lines of respected boundaries.  It doesn't usually take long. 

Look at him getting in touch with his darker side.

 

It feels like mothers are perfect targets for shame.  In the book, I Thought it Was Just Me, Brene Brown describes it like this:

Shame is how we feel when we have certain experiences.  When we are in shame, we don't see the big picture; we don't accurately think about our strengths and limitations.  We just feel alone, exposed, and deeply flawed.
 

She also states, "Shame is the voice of perfectionism."  Brilliantly stated.  We (and I mean mostly women) have unattainable expectations in front of us.  Appearance, family, work, motherhood, home, creativity, cooking ability.  Failing to meet unrealistic standards sets us up for shame. 

She suggests that the best way to overcome these feelings of shame is to talk about it.  Communicating our experiences isn't easy.  It takes courage.  One thing I appreciate about my friends is that they make it easy... or easier.  I went to dinner with two of my best friends--Holly and Laura--the other night and we spent quite a bit of time talking about motherhood, dating, feeling fed up or worried, etc.  And to me... this is very relaxing to talk to other people about.  My stress actually lowers when I'm around empathetic people who I can talk to. 


Another great point I can appreciate from her book:

• Be thin, but don't be weight obsessed.
• Be perfect, but don't make a fuss about your looks and don't take time away from anything like your family or your partner or your work to achieve your perfection.  Just quietly make it happen in the background so you look great and we don't have to hear about it.
• Just be yourself--there's nothing sexier than self confidence (as long as you're young, thin, beautiful...).

How many times are we perusing magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store and are hit with several conflicting messages?  From simplifying your life to learning 30 things to do with leftover Thanksgiving dinner.  From losing 15 pounds in 7 days to learning how to bake the best, most delicious desserts for your family.  From getting the best fall wardrobe and makeup to being content with who you are and what you have.  All the while being very zen and cool and not letting any of it get to you.  Any of the choices you make conflicts with another.  We have to choose.  And then worry about it.  

When we fail to live up to some of these expectations than we're caught up in the shame game again.  Feeling less than perfect... inadequate... secretly wondering how we measure up to the average woman by comparison.  Sigh... more thoughts on this later.