instead...
it just happens...
And I really never cry. I always say that as I'm wiping away tears. Never happens. Or at least it never used to. I'd rather gnaw off my own arm than to show that vulnerability.
It isn't until after you're in a safe place that you can begin to deal with pain that was put on hold during times of crisis. Anyone who's been in an abusive or walking on eggshells relationship can understand this. You shut down...freeze... and can't hold on to your own thoughts and feelings. You may love the person, but their anger and your fear make intimacy impossible. I've heard it said that fear and love cannot flow at the same time. I know this is true.
I just hope this phase of emotional release will end soon. I'm sure my friends do too!
I think of Jenny from Forrest Gump. She deals with abuse as a child and spends the following years trying to numb that pain by using drugs and engaging in painful relationships. When she returns to her childhood home, which was the stage for the crimes committed against her, she begins throwing rocks at the house.
In the voice over, Forrest says, "Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks."
I'll always be the first to admit that people have had it much worse than me. Sometimes it feels wrong to even complain when I know this, but that would be me denying how I'm feeling and that is unhealthy. I'm very grateful for my life and all the good in it, but I'm also trying to deal with my past. So if that means tears now and then, then that's not such a high price. Just ask my friends. They LOVE it.
You are right about fear and love. It can't. Someone who really loves you is going to make certain that 1) you do not fear them and 2) you are certain they love you by their behavior toward you. One of my extended family members was so mean and hard on his children that some of his children spent over a year hiding from him or trying to never cross paths even if they lived in the same home. Later, he changed and was better and his children forgave him. As a mother myself, I can't fathom trying to do all that a mother has to do and live with that fear and discomfort. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that. That is heartbreaking. Cry, cry, cry. That is the best thing you could do. It is part of the grieving stages. And it will help you get it all out so you can heal and move forward and I know you will. You are a beautiful and wonderful person. And there are many friends (myself included) who are happy to help. <3 <3
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