Into the Wild

I laugh.  I cry.  I start a blog way past the point of popularity.  Maybe that's why I started a blog now.  No one will read it!  My therapist suggested I read a book on different attachment styles called Attached  It was.... cringe worthy.  I noticed I was actually wincing and shifting around as I read it.  It's most likely because my wounds are so fresh.  I could've really, really, really, really used this book recommendation weeks, nay, YEARS, ago.  It hit a very raw spot of my soul.

There are three types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.  You can probably guess that secure is where it's at.  It's who we want to be and who we want to be with.  I myself have set my foot and practiced each attachment style, but, in my last two relationships, I was mostly an anxious style dealing with an avoidant style.  Not a great combo.  The anxious person is constantly striving for a closer intimacy and acting insecure, which makes the avoidant person nervous and push away even more.  It's a constant cycle.  However, it can work, but you have to work to make it work.  Avoidants are just kind of alluring.  They're independent... don't need anyone... rebels even.  But they're often just hiding from the realities of what they need/want/desire.  One extreme example of this attachment style is Christopher McCandless. 

 



 

My brother, Matt, originally recommended this movie to me.  Said it was sad, but inspirational.  I agree, but after reading and understanding about attachment styles, I find it more sad.  A shame. 

 

The main character is Christopher McCandless.  After graduating college he decides to break free from society--experience total freedom and independence.  He had a miserable upbringing with parents who were too self involved to realize the damage they were inflicting upon their two children.  Throughout the movie, Christopher meets people who want to be close to him... a hippie couple, a young lady, and an elderly man.  Each of them embrace him and invite him into their lives.  And they are all devastated when he leaves, which, of course, he inevitably does because his ultimate goal at this point in his life is to get to Alaska.  Live off the land.  Be free.

 

The most heartbreaking encounter is with the elderly man, played by Hal Holbrook.  If you have a heart, this character will break it.  That is a fair warning.  As so many others have done, this man ends up deeply loving Christopher.  As a father does a son.  He even asks if he can adopt him.  This old man knows the pain of losing family and urges him to forgive his parents.  He says,

 

When you forgive, you love. 

And when you love, God's light shines on you.

 

The tragedy is that Christopher dies.  Helpless.  Alone.  So many people loved him and wanted to take care of him along the way, but he chose "freedom" and "independence."  I can't fault him and have nothing but compassion for him.  But it was his extreme desire for isolation which was his downfall.  Before he dies, we know he realized the error of his ways because his last journal entry states,

 

Happiness only real when shared.

 

I feel compassion for those I know who have an avoidant attachment style.  It's a combination of their DNA and life experiences that have led them to build up walls and protect themselves in this way.  Although we can't change our genes or our past, the good news is we can work with what we have.  It's human nature to desire intimacy and a relationship.  It's something we all have in common (with rare exception).  Reading this book actually helped me understand what my desires in a relationship are, what my triggers are, how to better handle myself when I'm triggered, and how to weed out avoidants during the first date.