accepting imperfection part 1

The truth is... sigh...

I.Am.Not.Perfect

No, no.  It's true.

I'm not.

Not even close. 

What the hell does it mean to be perfect anyway?  If I met someone who seemed to be perfect I'd be completely suspicious of them.  Whaaat dark secrets are they hiding?  What's with this perfect facade?  And I'd probably find them pretty boring.  And I can't hang with boring people.  Maybe I have a hard time differentiating between "normal" and "perfect."  Wow, what does that say about me? 

Even my Finn isn't perfect.  But I LOVE him for his imperfections.  He finds that his way of doing things is pretty much the best (only) way and I should just save myself the effort and get on board.  For example, when we go for walks and he's fascinated by a rock, leaves, pumpkins, etc, it's extreeemely hard to get him to walk away and shift his attention.  A few times I've threatened to leave with:

"Okay, well you can stay, but mommy's ready to go... soooo I'm leaving."

"Ok.  Bye bye mama."

Ahh...outwitted by my 22 month old.  Well played. 

He also likes to touch, tap, or, you know, smack (pure semantics) others' faces and heads.  Thinks it's fascinating.  His favorite target playmate is his dog.  And Stryder has made an art of dodging and evading Finn.  However, when he inflicts this activity on other children... that's where it becomes an issue.  And it's sort of difficult to keep delivering the same message to him over and over and see no change in behavior.  I try different techniques, including removing him from the scene.  Alas... for now... the heart wants what it wants.  He's not ready to let go of this phase yet. 

It can be a little embarassing.  Like when he threw a handful of sand at a little girl's face at the park.  Or when a little girl came up to flirt with him and he smiled at her.  Then got a little closer.  Still a little closer.  Until his fingers were in her eyeballs.  Not what she had in mind. 

Thus, I get a little anxious these days when we're playing with other kids because I'm waiting for him to cross the lines of respected boundaries.  It doesn't usually take long. 

Look at him getting in touch with his darker side.

 

It feels like mothers are perfect targets for shame.  In the book, I Thought it Was Just Me, Brene Brown describes it like this:

Shame is how we feel when we have certain experiences.  When we are in shame, we don't see the big picture; we don't accurately think about our strengths and limitations.  We just feel alone, exposed, and deeply flawed.
 

She also states, "Shame is the voice of perfectionism."  Brilliantly stated.  We (and I mean mostly women) have unattainable expectations in front of us.  Appearance, family, work, motherhood, home, creativity, cooking ability.  Failing to meet unrealistic standards sets us up for shame. 

She suggests that the best way to overcome these feelings of shame is to talk about it.  Communicating our experiences isn't easy.  It takes courage.  One thing I appreciate about my friends is that they make it easy... or easier.  I went to dinner with two of my best friends--Holly and Laura--the other night and we spent quite a bit of time talking about motherhood, dating, feeling fed up or worried, etc.  And to me... this is very relaxing to talk to other people about.  My stress actually lowers when I'm around empathetic people who I can talk to. 


Another great point I can appreciate from her book:

• Be thin, but don't be weight obsessed.
• Be perfect, but don't make a fuss about your looks and don't take time away from anything like your family or your partner or your work to achieve your perfection.  Just quietly make it happen in the background so you look great and we don't have to hear about it.
• Just be yourself--there's nothing sexier than self confidence (as long as you're young, thin, beautiful...).

How many times are we perusing magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store and are hit with several conflicting messages?  From simplifying your life to learning 30 things to do with leftover Thanksgiving dinner.  From losing 15 pounds in 7 days to learning how to bake the best, most delicious desserts for your family.  From getting the best fall wardrobe and makeup to being content with who you are and what you have.  All the while being very zen and cool and not letting any of it get to you.  Any of the choices you make conflicts with another.  We have to choose.  And then worry about it.  

When we fail to live up to some of these expectations than we're caught up in the shame game again.  Feeling less than perfect... inadequate... secretly wondering how we measure up to the average woman by comparison.  Sigh... more thoughts on this later.

about finn

Mr. Finn

Now that's joy.  I want to know how to keep peace and joy around me even through life's uncertainties.  I do believe good things will happen for me and that the best is yet to come (wellll... sometimes it's hoping and sometimes it's believing), but I also know that the years will bring pain, death, challenges, setbacks, etc.  I want to learn how to be content despite life's upsets. 

I want it for myself, but I want to know it for my child as well.  He's oozing happiness... like the embodiment of joy.  I don't know where he gets it, but I want him to keep it.  I want to help him keep it. 

I can't give him a perfect world or a perfect life.  And he doesn't require that.  He does, however, need insight into internal joy and peace when his world is rocked.  And it will be.  I can't protect him from that either.  As much as my instinct is to protect him from all potential harm, I know that isn't what he needs. 

That's a large part of why I'm trying to better myself in every way.  I want to be able to show him what I've accomplished and provide an example of how to overcome setbacks and hardship and to be stronger for them.

 

throwing rocks

I apologize for those who have had to sit uncomfortably next to me lately while I spontaneously burst into tears (or get choked up).  I've considered coming up with a signal when I sense it coming as a kind of cue for someone to talk about the election or a funny movie they just saw or how fantastic my hair looks...

instead...

it just happens...

And I really never cry.  I always say that as I'm wiping away tears.  Never happens.  Or at least it never used to.  I'd rather gnaw off my own arm than to show that vulnerability. 

It isn't until after you're in a safe place that you can begin to deal with pain that was put on hold during times of crisis.  Anyone who's been in an abusive or walking on eggshells relationship can understand this.  You shut down...freeze... and can't hold on to your own thoughts and feelings.  You may love the person, but their anger and your fear make intimacy impossible.  I've heard it said that fear and love cannot flow at the same time.  I know this is true. 

I just hope this phase of emotional release will end soon.  I'm sure my friends do too! 

I think of Jenny from Forrest Gump.  She deals with abuse as a child and spends the following years trying to numb that pain by using drugs and engaging in painful relationships.  When she returns to her childhood home, which was the stage for the crimes committed against her, she begins throwing rocks at the house.

In the voice over, Forrest says, "Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." 

I'll always be the first to admit that people have had it much worse than me.  Sometimes it feels wrong to even complain when I know this, but that would be me denying how I'm feeling and that is unhealthy.  I'm very grateful for my life and all the good in it, but I'm also trying to deal with my past.  So if that means tears now and then, then that's not such a high price.  Just ask my friends.  They LOVE it. 
 

vulnerability

I'm working on becoming more vulnerable and open. I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and questioned why anyone would ever be willing to leave themself so available to scorn, heartbreak, and ridicule. Even writing a blog (which feels like a pretty indirect way to express myself) feels uncomfortable. I guess that's why I'm doing it. Being comfortable hasn't worked out too well for me in the past.

I'm inwardly cringing as I write this, but this has been THEE hardest year of my life. It's been a year of change (generally not a fan of change), heartache, opening up, dealing with my issues, and pure joy.

I love anything Brandi Carlile sings, but lately I've been listening to "Hiding My Heart Away" kind of obsessively. Is it obsessive if you listen to a song like ten times a day? Mayhab. A wee bit. But I've just been drawn to it--like the Siren calls in the Odyssey.  Luring you in despite your reservations.  I never understood why the Sirens are so often referred to as mermaids.  They had the body of a bird and human heads.  Not very mermaid like.  And, yes, that analogy makes perfect sense... Let's move on.

The song resonates with me for several reasons, but I think the main reason is that meeting someone you care for "by accident" and falling for them is something that can take you by surprise to the point that it takes your breath away.  Blows you away.  Even when the relationship doesn't (or can't) work out, it completely tarnishes your ability to settle for adequate or "good enough." And that's a good thing, isn't it? I'm grateful for having had a glimpse into the beauty and pleasure of what could/can be. It's an insight that came at a hard price all around, which makes me hold it in even higher esteem. 

As I've said before, I'm not so sure that coincidence exists. I think if the cards hadn't fallen the way they had this year (and I mean every damn card) then I wouldn't have had the insight or strength to do the things I needed to do. And, yes,  I know I'm still being elusive, but this is just the start. 

On Joy

This could be a dangerous post.  I tried Prozac for about two months.  When I went to the doctor for problems with anxiety and depression he was more than happy to pull out his prescription pad and offer me a bevvy of drugs.  He asked me whether I'd rather have an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety.  Offering me everything from Valium to Prozac. 

I said, "Are you giving me the option to choose my medication?  Why don't you just give me some Percocet and let's call it a day?!"

We agreed on Prozac and I felt grateful to have "the answer."  The thing that was going to make me feel better.  But... deep down I kinda knew it wasn't going to be "the answer."  It was possibly going to be a temporary relief, but it definitely wouldn't be the answer.  Let me just say I'm not a medication hater (refer to earlier comment on Percocet), but I'm not comfortable taking them.  I feel uncomfortable taking them because I may become too comfortable taking them.

I thought this would be me!














The medication just made me painfully tired and definitely didn't relieve my symptoms, but possibly made them worse.  I told my therapist just how little the pills were helping and that I needed to try something new.  She recommended some books which I'm currently reading.  Nothing feels as good as knowing you're helping yourself.  That you have the power and the option to change your life. 

One of the books is all about the brain.  In it there's a brain test, which helps you understand which areas of your brain may be unhealthy.  After going over my test with Janet (therapist) she noticed I had low mood, high anxiety, and ADD.

"Soooo basically I'm a mess?" I asked... half jokingly. 

She said no (she's kind) but that she wanted me to take some of the recommendations in the book to get more joy in my life.  Certain foods and activities can absolutely effect your brain's health.  I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm liking what I've read so far.

I'm on a self help book frenzy.  This is my second self help book and I have three more waiting in the wings.  I'm very particular about which books I choose.  I don't just meander into the library and load up my arms with books.  I get recommendations, read reviews, do research, and THEN decide if a book's worthy of my time. 

I've been on a journey of self discovery this year.  Yes, as cliche as that sounds it really is true.  And it didn't start out as a self directed self discovery, but it has turned out that way.  It's been more of a do or die situation and I've learned that when it comes down to it... I'm a fighter. 

What breaks your bones
Is not the load you're carrying,
What breaks you down
Is all in how you carry...

Someone I met this year who I grew very close to told me that was something he admired about me.  He said I was a fighter and that I was strong.  My therapist told me I have courage.  And my, uh, cough, cough, psychic mentioned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I have endurance.  She said I don't celebrate my accomplishments and victories but that I should.  That I deserve joy. 

And if this guy doesn't bring me joy... I'm a lost cause.

 

 

 

Being unbalanced?

I've been told I'm unbalanced.  Not in a quirky, cute, Zooey Deschanel way.  My therapist and a (cough, cough) psychic told me I'm not in balance.  I knooooow!  But... but... whatdoidoaboutit?  I told my friend Emily about this conundrum and she suggested maybe my chakras are out of balance.  I nodded politely while silently judging her and questioning our entire friendship.

 

That night I added, "Look into chakras" to my to-do list.  The next morning I got this email:

SO. WHAT IS CHAKRA ENERGY BALANCING?

Ever wonder what this "energy" that we're talking about healing? It's not as esoteric as you may think. In fact, it surrounds you and embraces you-invisible, like the air you breathe, and just as real. Also called prana, chi, ki, and qi, it is the life force that is the basis and animating power for the universe and everything in it. It surrounds us, permeates us, sustains us, and connects us to all things. It's like the ocean, with each of us like a drop of water--part of the ocean and yet at the same time, in some circumstances, separate. To put it another way, everyone and everything has its own energy field, which is both part of the larger, universal field, and in some ways separate from it. You may think that this intangible force or field is something that can be perceived and understood and influenced by only a few gifted people--but that's not the case.You constantly experience it and interact with it: When you walk into someone's home and instantly do or don't like the way it feels. When you're in a forest, and have a feeling of deep peace and renewal. When you put your arm around a troubled friend, and he feels better. When you speak up and bring calm and reason back to a group that has become angry and irrational. When you liven up a dull party. It's everywhere, as common--and as miraculous--as the air we breathe, the light of the sun and stars, the love of our family and friends. Yet it can be difficult for people to entertain, let alone grasp, the concept of this invisible field. Keeping your subtle energy centers healthy and balanced can help you stay healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Grassroots will now be offering a class on Energy & Healing! Given by Energy Healer Jenny Mitchell. Come learn the ancient art of healing partnered with the benefits of essentials oils.          I don't know if I believe in coincidences anymore, so I signed up for the class.  Jenny, the healer, has fibromyalgia and takes no medication for it.  She's 50 years old and the picture of health.  She began to research more natural ways to heal from her disease and learned about energy healing.  That is now her only medication.    Talking about energy fields and vibrations makes me a little uncomfortable... like someone's trying to sell me a used car. "This deal's only available right now!" And my skeptical side steps in to show I'm no sucker. But... I relent.   When a very unlikely man stood up to give a testimonial about the benefits he'd seen from working with Jenny and how his life is going on a much better path than it was I really started questioning whether that was a coincidence too.  Or a kind of placebo effect.   I've read what some skeptics have said about Reiki and was kind of taken aback by the hate they seem to have for the practice.  They stipulate that, yes, Reiki works just as any other placebo or classical conditioning works.  Frankly... I wouldn't really care if that was the case because if it works, it works.  If you see an improvement in your life, can't you just be thankful for it?  And, hey, if it's good enough for Oprah...   How can I pretend to know the mysteries of the universe?  Can it hurt me to try Reiki?  What's the worst that could happen?  I'd be out a little money, but I'd at least know it didn't work for me and not have to wonder about it.  Soooo... I made an appointment with Jenny.   To be continued....

The Reason

I recently have been listening to These are Days by Natalie Merchant.  I don't listen to music as much as I'd like anymore, but I decided to listen to some songs on my playlist while I was stretching and doing a little yoga the other night.  I listened to this song and nearly cried.  Maybe there were a few tears.  Or it could've been sweat.  Anyway, the song touched me is the point I'm trying to make.   

 

these are days you'll remember
never before and never since, I promise
will the whole world be warm as this
and as you feel it, you'll know it's true
that you are blessed and lucky
it's true, that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you

these are days you'll remember...

these are the days
that you might fill with laughter
until you break

these days you might feel a shaft of light
make its way across your face
and when you do
you'll know how it was meant to be
see the signs and know their meaning

you'll know how it was meant to be
hear the signs and
know they're speaking to you
to you

 

Sigh.  You know?!  Know what I'm saying?  I'm not a very present minded person.  Sulking about the past--feeling regrets--fretting about the future.  Check.  Done and done.  Being present in the moment is my goal.  Finn is 21 months old.  He'll never be 21 months again.  The countless adorable acts he performs every day will surely morph into more cute acts, but these specific acts will go away.  And I WANT to remember them.  There are too many days where I'm going through the motions of the day but am not particularly happy or present.  Finn is so happy and literally squeals with delight throughout the day.  He'll look up at me with a face so pure and full of love and wonder.  He's bursting with joy and zest for life.  He's open and expressive.  Sometimes I wonder how he's mine... He's such an inspiration to me to try to live in the moment and have connections throughout the day.  I can learn a lot from his example. 

He finds joy in just being...

 

 

 

 

 

Into the Wild

I laugh.  I cry.  I start a blog way past the point of popularity.  Maybe that's why I started a blog now.  No one will read it!  My therapist suggested I read a book on different attachment styles called Attached  It was.... cringe worthy.  I noticed I was actually wincing and shifting around as I read it.  It's most likely because my wounds are so fresh.  I could've really, really, really, really used this book recommendation weeks, nay, YEARS, ago.  It hit a very raw spot of my soul.

There are three types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.  You can probably guess that secure is where it's at.  It's who we want to be and who we want to be with.  I myself have set my foot and practiced each attachment style, but, in my last two relationships, I was mostly an anxious style dealing with an avoidant style.  Not a great combo.  The anxious person is constantly striving for a closer intimacy and acting insecure, which makes the avoidant person nervous and push away even more.  It's a constant cycle.  However, it can work, but you have to work to make it work.  Avoidants are just kind of alluring.  They're independent... don't need anyone... rebels even.  But they're often just hiding from the realities of what they need/want/desire.  One extreme example of this attachment style is Christopher McCandless. 

 



 

My brother, Matt, originally recommended this movie to me.  Said it was sad, but inspirational.  I agree, but after reading and understanding about attachment styles, I find it more sad.  A shame. 

 

The main character is Christopher McCandless.  After graduating college he decides to break free from society--experience total freedom and independence.  He had a miserable upbringing with parents who were too self involved to realize the damage they were inflicting upon their two children.  Throughout the movie, Christopher meets people who want to be close to him... a hippie couple, a young lady, and an elderly man.  Each of them embrace him and invite him into their lives.  And they are all devastated when he leaves, which, of course, he inevitably does because his ultimate goal at this point in his life is to get to Alaska.  Live off the land.  Be free.

 

The most heartbreaking encounter is with the elderly man, played by Hal Holbrook.  If you have a heart, this character will break it.  That is a fair warning.  As so many others have done, this man ends up deeply loving Christopher.  As a father does a son.  He even asks if he can adopt him.  This old man knows the pain of losing family and urges him to forgive his parents.  He says,

 

When you forgive, you love. 

And when you love, God's light shines on you.

 

The tragedy is that Christopher dies.  Helpless.  Alone.  So many people loved him and wanted to take care of him along the way, but he chose "freedom" and "independence."  I can't fault him and have nothing but compassion for him.  But it was his extreme desire for isolation which was his downfall.  Before he dies, we know he realized the error of his ways because his last journal entry states,

 

Happiness only real when shared.

 

I feel compassion for those I know who have an avoidant attachment style.  It's a combination of their DNA and life experiences that have led them to build up walls and protect themselves in this way.  Although we can't change our genes or our past, the good news is we can work with what we have.  It's human nature to desire intimacy and a relationship.  It's something we all have in common (with rare exception).  Reading this book actually helped me understand what my desires in a relationship are, what my triggers are, how to better handle myself when I'm triggered, and how to weed out avoidants during the first date.