I grew up listening to the Indigo Girls.  In high school, my girlfriends and I would drive around on summer nights with the windows down and belt their songs out at the top of our lungs.  We'd decide who would take the high melody and who would go low.  I've always loved their song "Closer to Fine."  I couldn't have known what in the hell the song was about as a kid, but I definitely understand it more now.  I still turn to this song and play it when the mood is right.  Like it is now:

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

A warning here: I wrote this a few days ago (Saturday).  I wrote it during the height of my emotions and I didn't edit anything out.  I didn't intend to publish it, I was just writing it to vent because I need an outlet.  I don't always, or even usually, have a good ear to vent my frustration to, sooo... I write.  Anyway, things have calmed down and I'm feeling a bit better and there's some positive things that have come from this, but I decided to go ahead and publish it because I don't think it's fair to only show the happy side of life.  I have issues I grapple with, often on a daily basis, and I hate when there's not an easy solution.  I'm not totally comfortable sharing it all, but I also say find comfort in discomfort.  I appreciate, relate to, and, ultimately, admire, others who show their true life struggles so, it's only fair that I do the same.  Here's the original, unedited, post below.

So, I’m sad.

This is a hard thing for me.  Today, my son left to go on a vacation with his dad for a week.  They’re going to Disneyland and I’m aching to be there too.  I’m imagining his happy skip as he enters the park.  I can hear his animated, speedy narration about what they’re doing and him incorporating it into his other made-up stories.  I’m feeling sorry for myself.  I’m intensely, deeeeeply feeling sorry for myself.  I’m immensely sad that I’m not there and feeling that all-too-fucking-familiar shitty combo of shame and guilt for not being there.  I’m devastated to miss out on these pinnacle events in his life.  I’m angry that his dad arranged this on the same week as his kindergarten graduation ceremony and that I don’t get to see that in addition to not getting to go with him.  I don't get to see him graduate kindergarten.  I'm just letting that realization sink in.  To his defense, his dad didn’t intentionally plan it the same week as graduation.  I’m frustrated that I don’t have enough leave at work to have been able to accompany them on this trip.  I’m annoyed that I have a job that requires us to have leave in order to miss work.  I'm trying to hold back that annoyance because I logically recognize that my job has been very accommodating and easy to work with through my physical issues, which have required me to use my previously saved leave.  I’m a little irritated that I find it necessary to express gratitude for my job, whilst in my current state of mind.  I just want to stay in my sad state for a while.  

Image from https://twitter.com/hannybananyy

Sometimes I’m so sick of having to pull it together and do the things.  You know the things.  I have to do the “things” to keep everything in my life running somewhat functionally, even if it sometimes feels like I’m just treading water.

Image from https://static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-master768-v2.jpg

As a working mother, I have my energy pulled in so many directions.  I’ve been sitting here telling myself that it’s okay.  That it’s okay because I know he’ll have the time of his life.  It’s okay because I’ll get to talk to him and stay in touch with what he’s doing and how he is.  It’s okay because this time to myself will allow me to get some of the things done that I need to do or have been putting off.  It’s okay because at least it’s not longer and I can just keep myself busy.  But I really want to just say fuck all of that. I don’t feel that way right now.  What I really feel is that a part of my heart has been torn out and I’m just going to have to get by without it for a while.  

This may seem dramatic.  Some parents would welcome a week long break.  It probably would feel different if I wasn't completely alone without him.  If I was married or if I had other kids it would feel different I'm sure.  I'm aware people are suffering far worse than I am, but I don’t want to hold my own emotions back just because I know others are suffering more than I am.  It doesn’t invalidate my feelings.  I don’t normally complain about how it hurts every time I say goodbye to him.  I know how lucky I am and how lucky he is that he has a father who loves him and is as involved as he is with him.  It’s such a blessing. 

I feel like I’m always living with two contradictory thoughts:

• I do love that I’m able to co-parent with someone who adores our son and would do anything for him/ I wish I had my son most of the time.  
•  I am grateful to have a job that provides so much for us/ I wish I didn’t have to work as many hours as I do so I could stay home with him.  
•  I want to create more connection in my life/ I don’t want to dedicate time away from my son and our life in order to make that happen…

I really need to find a way to make peace with all of it because I'm not really there.  It's become clear that I'm not really there due to how I feel right now.

It's so tempting for me to try to end this on a high note and to say something positive, maybe include an inspirational quote or image.  It's just not always like that.  Sometimes you have to feel the ugly emotions and really feel the hurt.  I've been crying nearly all day.  As soon as his dad rang the door to pick him up, I silently told myself, "Don't cry yet, don't cry yet, don't cry yet.  Just wait until you close the door."  I didn't want him to see an OUNCE of my pain because he's very sensitive and sweet and he would feel sympathy for me.  I don't want him to think about that.  He just needs to focus on having fun and not worrying about  how his mother feels about something outside of his control.  I nearly held it together.  Before I opened the door to let him go, we had a final hug aaaaand... there was something about the way he clutched me a little longer and more tightly to the point where I just broke.  Not a gentle, slightly weepy, barely there tear streaming down my face, but a sob.  The more I tried to hold it back, the more intense it became.  Then his eyes filled up with tears too and he said, "Oh.  Now I'm crying."  Obviously that made me feel even worse.  I pulled it together enough to say something distracting to make us both laugh, so it could still end on a good note.  I told him to have so much fun and to call me every day and let me know everything.  He happily skipped away yelling, "Okaaay!" behind him and I closed the door once he got in the car.  I immediately turned my back to rest against the door and just really allowed myself to cry and to feel the emotions because it's even more awful to try to hold them back.  Fortunately or unfortunately, the doorbell rang again, I opened it and he ran in my arms and fully embraced me in a hug.  He told me again how much he loved me.  Then he left again.  I yelled for them to have a good trip and to be safe.  To be so safe.  I looked directly in his dad's eyes and said "Drive soo carefully.  Like too carefully.  Channel your grandmother." 

I had this idea to create a 7 days of missing Finn project to where I'm going to do something special for him each day he's gone.  I'm going to finally frame and hang his artwork in his toy room.  I'm going to get a shitload of AA batteries for all his toys and games that require them so that when we sit down to play them I don't have to tell him, "Oh yeah, I still have to get batteries for that."  I'm going to transfer a painting and a poem I created for him onto a canvas.  I'm even going to try to snap out of this a little more after I hopefully get a loooong, restful night's sleep.  Maybe I can even take more care of his mother this week.  Did I just end this on the positive note I said I wasn't going to? 

Sick Days

"Your love is bigger than who you are."

"Even when you feel like you're not good enough or you don't deserve it, I still love you."

"If I was an adult, I'd marry you."

"I couldn't have ever imagined a nicer mom.  I think we deserve each other."

"You sure are a hot chick."

These were some of the gems uttered from Finn's mouth this weekend.  

Cuddling with one of his faves

 Last weekend was a lazy one filled with quiet and tender moments.  Finn was sick with strep throat, so we spent our Saturday cuddled up on the couch surrounded by pillows, blankets, water, his stuffed animals, and popsicles (the one source of “nutrition” he had all weekend.)  We had movies, LOTS and lots of movies, which we watched interspersed with reading books and taking naps.  I had the window open for some fresh air.  It was a cool day with faint sunlight, so it wasn’t cold—the light breeze coming in felt invigorating. 

He came in to cuddle Sunday morning and I made him some tea... obviously he loved it.

Not sure which he hated more, the tea or being sick ...

  

I spooned behind him and just breathed him in.  Took all of him in.  I still have such wonder about him.  The jokes he makes, the things that delight him, the stories he tells, his creative imagination, the sound of his voice, how his shoulders shake when he chuckles, his physical expressions, especially how animated his face becomes when he’s telling a story he’s really, liiiike really, excited about and he kind of overemphasizes each word with his mouth and his eyes are big and round with excitement.  Just the actual words he chooses to use, which are so advanced and specific.  

Life changes so fast.  I sometimes think of my life from just a year ago and see how relationships change, circumstances change, goals and desires change.  And I think that’s fine, but I’m grateful for the things that stay.  Some things just stay.  

Laying curled up with my son as he was healing next to me on the couch,  feeling the soft breeze from a pleasant, calm day and having a sense of not needing to be anywhere or doing anything other than exactly what I was doing at that moment…  

So peaceful.  

So comforting.  

Finn being sick was obviously not pleasant and I always feel a rush of errrrmahhhgerd when he’s sick and want to get him better asap, but he had antiobiotics and I knew he’d be feeling better in a day or so.  He was more lethargic at that point and just needed to rest and be comfortable.  He was in and out of sleep all day.  Falling in and out of dreams.  Even though he was sick and that was shitty, I still felt comforted in knowing that he wouldn’t remember that exact feeling of pain a week from now, but he’d remember the feeling of being safe and sound.  Of having his needs met.  Of being enveloped in love.  

It was just a feeling of sweet serenity and I love taking care of him when he’s sick.  Plus, he just looks extra sweet.  He’s rumpled and cuddly and it’s quite irresistible   When I was little, I remember my mom used to say that she wished she could take our pain from us and feel it for us when we were sick and, being the completely selfless child I was, I think I probably said something like, “I wish you could too.”  I use the same line now.  I will tell him I wish I could take his pain so he wouldn’t have to feel it, but he will say, “I wish I could take yours too.  If you took mine, I’d take it back.”  The kid has a good heart.  Better human being than me.  I love being his mom.  

I went into his room and found this on the floor 💗💗💗

Both Sides Now

       Image from http://s1.favim.com/orig/201109/11/beach-beautiful-blue-boats-clouds-Favim.com-142406.jpg

Just listening to my girl Joni Michell.  Do you love her?  Here's 9 reasons why I do:

1-An artist... focused on her craft, not fame.

2-Her lyrics are magic.

3-These songs: A Case of You ❤ Both Sides Now ❤ River ❤ Cactus Tree

4-Her melody, jazz, warmth, honesty, intimacy.

5-How can you not like a singer who ends this song with the line, "I really don't know life at all?"

6-Timeless.

7-Underappreciated, but as good as, if not better, than her male contemporaries.

8-I just want to sit at her feet and take her in.

9-She does what my favorite musicians are able to do--painting a picture with her words, storytelling.

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

          But now old friends are acting strange 
          They shake their heads, they say I've changed 
          Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day

 I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

         

Can I get an Obama?

If you have ever worked with the public, you know that people can be … what’s the word? … Ah, yes, fucking terrible.  If you have ever worked in customer service, in a restaurant, in retail, telemarketing, then you have truly gazed into the abyss of humanity.

I don't work in customer service these days, so social media’s taken on that role of showing the worst of the worst in human nature for me.  Reading soul-crushing material, facing backlash for sharing a thought/opinion/idea at odds with someone else's, and nostalgically, regretfully, longing for the days when you didn't know the inner workings of your friends' minds.  A kind of blissful ignorance really... le sigh. 

I’m in a facebook group with other women who share an interest in traveling or--more to my angle--who like to pretend they travel and live vicariously through said group of actual traveling women …  My favorite aspect of this group is learning about new places through personal anecdotes, combined with pictures that belong in a magazine--they can be breathtaking.  It really invokes that wanderlust within me.  Also a good resource for any travel-related questions, advice, warnings, etc.  It’s always felt like a good spot.

However… ever since the election from hell, things have gotten ugly there.  When there’s a controversial topic for discussion, things can get ugly riiiight quick.  For example, someone recently posted an article about white women and cultural appropriation at Coachella--some perceive them as lacking respect for the cultures they're representing through wearing sacred items as a fashion statement.  I also don't know that it's just white women who make this faux pas, but that was the article's intended audience (I know this because I'm prettttty clever and picked it up from the greeting which read, "Dear white women.")...

Anyway, I read the article, but it wasn’t a particularly scintillating topic for me, it seemed fair to me.  I can definitely see how some see it as disrespectful, or at least in poor taste, to wear a culturally sacred item to a musical festival where a lot of not so sacred things are taking place.  I can also see it as being completely without malice and, thus, not a high crime in my opinion.  I would err on the side of respect just in case.  Still, I was surprised to see hundreds of comments when I returned to the facebook post.  Due to the volume of replies to one comment, I chose to read that thread.  Aaand it was a doozy.  This lady, mid-50’s, took offense off the bat, like right outta the gate, stating how this kind of article is EXACTLY what’s wrong with America.  Down with political correctness.  Blah, blah, blah.  Wasn't a fan of her approach.  I grew to dislike her more and ever more as the conversation went on and her homophobia, racism, and ignorance were more fully revealed.  After her initial declaration about how this is our country’s issue, she asked how these things were offensive.  Was it a sincere question or was it just a throwaway question?  Can't say for sure, but it gave me a little hope that she even asked the question.  

I came late to the party.  There were already 20 replies or so, and I sat down expecting to read an articulate, thoughtful, respectful answer to her question. Yes, there was some ignorance on her part, but there was also an admission toward that and a glimmer of opportunity for an important conversation.  Real discourse.  I expected to see one of these intelligent, well-traveled, interesting, diverse women take that opportunity.  

No one did.  

There were plenty of snarky replies.  Mean spirited insults.  Comments about her having white privilege, not caring, describing how she was the problem—she was too old and too white to understand.  

Sooo. 

Not great discourse.  Even if I happen to agree with those women it's still not an effective course of communication.  And I disagree with her in her belief that political correctness is this country's problem, I think it's the lack of conversation and real dialogue and that both she and the commentors were demonstrating that perfectly.

The problem is that “my side” was being ugly too.  We looked nearly as bad as her.  I wasn’t going to cheer on these ladies.

The exchange made a real plummet downward with her eventually proclaiming how proud she was to be white and had hashtags about Trump making America great again (surprise!) and proceeded to call everyone snowflakes and safety pins. Charming.

Okay, cool.  You’ve officially shown your cards, but I still want to make an attempt and to show you we can talk about this.  We're not going to exchange insults, but we can discuss things like reasonable adults.  I'd just started to type a response to her when the admins removed her from the group.  Yes,  she needed to be removed due to her homophobic, racist, and personal attacks, but I wanted to attempt to bring the subject around to her.  To make it relatable.  She’d mentioned her son was a marine (approximately 100 times) so I was going to ask her how she'd feel if she saw t-shirts with the words “Mom of a marine” (or something similar) being sported at a festival by 20- something-year old  girls.  Maybe she would argue that’s a false equivalency, but the point is that the girls wearing those shirts didn’t really earn the title displayed on the shirt.  They’re wearing something that’s actually meaningful to her and using it as a fashion statement, not knowing how it really feels to be a mother of a marine.  I just wanted to try, in a tactful way, to make that comparison and just leave it there for her to think about, but I didn't get that opportunity.

So I sat with that for a minute.


We may have good intentions, but our division is what will keep us from clarity and peace and progress and unity.  We’ve felt drawn together and connected before.  We know it’s possible.  There’s so much judgement and blame running concurrently so we’re steadfastly holding our positions.  We can’t understand and don’t want to understand anyone who disagrees with us.  Fear keeps us yelling and arguing so we never hear love, which is softer, quieter, more gentle.  We have to stop talking to actually listen.  Listen to understand and then respond.  Let’s not formulate our responses in an attempt to win the argument and lose the conversation.  

The judgement is at an all time high, isn't it?  The judgement has led us to separation.  We've allowed ourselves to be divided and separated on issues to the point where we see each other as enemies to our personal causes.  We deal in absolutes.  I'm completely guilty of this.  I find it hard to not see Trump as the epitome of every ugly quality a human being could possibly have.  t makes it incredibly difficult FOR ME to relate to someone who supports him or someone who voted for him.

Personally, I see the election of Trump as proof of the fear that some people have in looking at a changing world and seeing marginalized people gaining rights and freedoms and being uncomfortable with a society that supports those changes.  I think they saw Trump as a savior who would allow them to embrace the qualities and values within themselves which were previously deemed unacceptable and becoming more and more obsolete and they recognized those qualities within him too.

So what do we do?  Hellllll, I don't know!  I want us to avoid easy insults though--but let's make an exception for particularly hilarious ones though, right?  Don't cha think?  I want us to not engage in screaming matches.  I get that the frustration,hurt, and anger build up to where people utilize an outlet when they see one.  There's a sort of safety in unleashing to a stranger online and it's better than blowing up at your boss, coworker, cousin, neighbor, etc, right?  The point is that as much as you're feeling that, the people who believe differently than you are feeling the same.  Their fears have put them in the position to take the stances they do.

Maybe take the high road and see where that leads us?  Because I know that the more we try to shame each other, the lines are just going to be drawn more and more, causing us to further disengage.  The more disengaged we are, the further we get from actual change.  I know I start to see people as one-dimensional beings and that’s a problem because they aren’t.  I want to extend empathy to people I don’t agree with and that can be a challenge, but I think we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to do that.  I just think this hatred and fear and shame is what got us here in the first place, isn’t it?

“The ego seeks to divide and separate.  Spirit seeks to unify and heal.”

-A Course in Miracles