April Come She Will

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I recently wrote this quote by Noor Unnahar on a chalkboard in my house's entryway.  I love it so much and it's a beautiful daily reminder. I’ve mentioned the concept of core desired feelings before.  I mentioned a major one for me is love.  That's not going to change.  Another one I can't deny is freedom.  FREEDOM (do you also mentally hear Mel Gibson shouting the word?)  

I can play the game, pay bills, have responsibilities.  Not saying I want to totally go rogue here.  But I’ve been seriously thinking about how short life is and how I need to really work on what I need to do to gain this highly coveted freedom.  To me, freedom means living a little differently.  It’s about constructing a life you actually want to live.  Inviting the people you want in, throwing in adventures and travel, speaking your truth from a loving standpoint, following the people/places/things that make you feel alive, holding space for those you care about, listening to music and dancing whilst cooking (yes, it's kind of out of place on this list, but I feel pretttty damn free when I'm doing it), making my son giggle, showing him the world has more to it than a lot of people give it credit for.  As I attempt to engage in all this, I feel like I'm building a peaceful, joyful existence with a lot more possibilities available to me and ahead of me than before. 

I know a lot of women, and I’m mostly referring to women I currently work with or have in the past, who are angry.  They come to work angry.  They spew their anger in different ways and in all directions.  Sometimes it’ll come in criticizing someone’s personality, other people’s choices, the weather, the fuuuuucking day of the week, etc.  Usually it’s at someone else’s expense.  Sooo, yeahhh, I don’t think I’m terribly popular at work because I don’t want that shit sent my way.  I tend to say uncool things, such as:

  

“Well, I think he/she’s probably trying his/her best” 

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the full picture”

“She’s probably going through a lot right now”

“I wouldn’t take that personally if I were you”

“Just don’t take the bait”

One of my coworkers walked away from me the other day after I said something along those lines and she said, “Well, I can’t talk to you, you’re too nice.”  She said it with some humor so it wasn’t so harsh.  I'm pretty sure it made me laugh.  I don’t know that it’s being “nice” to suggest that we’re all human and constantly making choices and some of them aren’t going to be great, especially since we’re so prone to making fear-based decisions.  I just don’t want to engage in trivial gossip.  Yes, if it’s someone I love, I will listen to anything they have to say and take it very seriously and if someone is really in pain and wants to talk, I’m not going to brush them off either.  It’s just the constant, low- vibe norm of angry chatter that gets to me.  

I should take a minute to point out that I am being hypocritical in pointing out my coworkers’ very human flaws, while wishing they were aware of the same in others.  I hope to rise above that some day.   I honestly don't see a way to really do that without distancing myself, which I've done quite a bit of and can lead to some isolation.  Ergh.  I don't really know the best way.  I had hoped I could influence them to perhaps see things differently, but I think it's just set me apart.  There’s a complacency in the environment that can draw you in and threaten to drown you if you don’t actively resist it.  I know that I could be in the club if I were to bitchandmoaneverydamnday or, at LEAST have the decency to commiserate with them, but yo… this is a club I never want to be in.

Which brings me to…

Freedom.  Since I don’t prescribe to the notion “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” I’ve started to seriously consider my choices.  So I’m choosing freedom.  I’m looking down a few different paths toward this goal.  I want to live a life by design.  I’ve been inspired by some of my friends (non-work friends!) who live this sort of life.  They don’t work in brick and mortar stores, but they offer valuable goods and services.  I’m considering which direction to go here because I would like to collaborate with some of them, but I think any direction I choose will allow me some freedom in various ways.  Plus, the freedom of focusing my energy in a more constructive way.  Cheers to freedom!  A very worthy core desired feeling.  And cheers to knowing I will absolutely be judged and criticized for this freedom!  I’m going to be considerate and careful about it, but I want to embrace it and not let fear burden me too much with doubt.  A little doubt is healthy, right?  Please say yes....!

*Note: I realllllllly, really, really don't want to be an ass about my coworkers.  I absolutely understand that we're all conditioned from childhood toward certain outlooks and choices.  From a very young age we're taught, consciously or unconsciously, what to accept and reject and what to gravitate toward and what to avoid.  I've also learned that a lot of growing up involves "unlearning" what you've learned. I talk about fear so much because I think if I've learned one thing in life it has to do with love vs fear.  You make choices from one or the other.  Fear creeps in all the time for me.  Elizabeth Gilbert says that it's okay to let fear in the car, but it's forbidden from driving.

From Elizabeth Gilbert's facebook page