I always knew he might hurt me.  There are a few people that, when you meet them, you just know they have the power to turn your world upside down.  To show you things in new ways.  To shed a light upon unknown things.  The unknowable seems closer to being known.  The emptiness feels a lot more whole.  The world makes more sense.  A new light is lit.  The smile on your face feels more sincere.  Your heart feels and fills lighter.

The problem is that those people who have the ability to do that... well, they're rare.  They're the endangered species for your soul.  You know when you meet them.  You just know.  This person... this person's special.

I knew to be cautious.  I knew to be skeptical.  His words were so romantic.  So hopeful.  So endearing that I had to remain in a neutral zone until I saw that it was true.  It was true.  He was that guy.  He was genuinely excited and happy to have met me and very hopeful about the potential.  He told me and showed me all the time.  I couldn't believe how open and raw he was able to be with me.  I began to trust in it a little more.

Then he told me was worried he might hurt me if we got ahead of ourselves before establishing a strong foundation.  He said he wanted to honor me and he never wanted to hurt me.  I started to consider how high I should build my walls now.  Do I just cement and mortar two layers?  Or should I go more halfway, so I can still knock them down a bit, but I'm half-safe?  I reminded myself that what he said was a kindness to me, so I stayed open.

He was mediating more and more and started to realize how he hadn't dealt with the traumas he'd had in life.  He told me he was worried that he wasn't able to fully be the boyfriend I deserved.  So, he was gone for a week or so, until his reiki training.  He came back with enthusiasm and told me he was replenished after getting his certification.  His enthusiasm was infectious and I wanted to start marketing for him!  I've always had a secret fantasy/dream of being in a relationship with someone with those energetic abilities.  He could tell what I was feeling.  He could tell what anyone near him was feeling on an energetic level.  He can get into these crazy meditative states where he's transferred into the body of animals, where he's had past life regressions... He's basically incredibly intuitive and in touch with source.  I knew I could learn a lot from him, but sometimes I felt like I wasn't his equal.  I felt more like I was the student and he was the teacher, but he was always very gracious and far from condescending.  He just had those natural abilities.

There's a fire within someone like that.  They're constantly changing, adapting, relearning, exhausting, reigniting. They are being flooded with new information and messages on a daily basis.  I have literally NO IDEA what that feels like.  It was an awesome thing to behold.  To just listen to him describe what he was being told or what was being reaffirmed for him. 

I have to say the four months I was with him flew by.  It's what you would call a "short relationship."  Yet I feel like it's going to stay with me forever.  I can't forget someone like that.  I can't be mad at someone like that.  Someone like that never meant to cause me pain.  I think he lives like a flame. 

The breakup itself was handled with such care and delicate tenderness.  He learned what he had to do and told me as soon as he realized it.  I think the saddest/sweetest part is that he asked if I wanted him to leave and acknowledged that, "It's hard because--as the person who's caused you pain, I don't think you'll find comfort in my presence, but, as your friend, I don't want to leave you alone to feel this way."  It's hard for me because--in relationships--I'm not casual.  I either really care or I wouldn't be spending time with the person at all.  I'm either completely in or completely out. So a friendship forms.  I tend to miss that friendship and that closeness more than anything.  I already miss his daily "Good morning beautiful 😘" texts. 

His words were beautiful.  All along his words were beautiful.  I don't think I'll forget them, but I don't want to include them here.  They're just for me.  I'm just sitting here feeling the loss.  I didn't want to be here... again...  I took a risk though and it's been a really long time.  A really long time.  I feel a little like this vase:

Image from http://lakesidepottery.com/Pages/kintsugi-repairing-ceramic-with-gold-and-lacquer-better-than-new.htm

This vase was repaired with a Kintsugi technique.  In Japan, they glue broken vases together with a gold lacquer.  They find the cracks to be beautiful and wish to emphasize them, rather than diminish or hide them.  It comes from a larger worldview of seeing beauty in imperfections.  I feel like I just got cracked open again and am going to have to glue myself together.  I'm looking for the lesson in this relationship.  I don't think it's that I should've left as soon as their was a whisper of uncertainty.  I think I knew it was a risk with someone so full of healer energy and a service to complete his life's purpose.  I knew it was.  I decided to be brave and risk it.  I definitely won't regret knowing him, feeling what I felt, or learning what I learned.  I just wish the lessons were more clear and came at a less painful price. 

Another look at scars

Our scars are a gift too.

Sure physical scars are a reminder of something you endured and came out the other side from.  Battle wounds to remind yourself of your badass, warrior spirit.  But I'm talking more about internal scars.

See, I've been thinking lately about my responses--my internal responses--to discomfort.  I'm almost sitting outside of myself, watching myself overanalyze, fill in the confusing blanks with doomsday, worst case scenarios, and choosing a dependable friend to perhaps splatter this information upon to help quell my own rising fears, worries, discomfort, confusion, etc.  If often has to do with trying to interpret another person.  I don't like interpreting.  I know there's a lot lost in that translation.  Maybe I just don't understand humans.  I'm able to give them miles of benefit of the doubt and also have a very short leash of trust.  I'm quick to see how I could be hurt by them and how they are a risk to my well being.

Here's the goal--

And I'm stating it here and I'm going to be accountable to it-- 

I'm done fucking around.  To be clear, I don't want bullshit.   I want consistent people around me.  Consistency is huuuuuge.  Consistency cannot be overstated in it's COMPLETE importance and value as the very pinnacle of human behavior.  If someone wants me on their team, I need to know they care, I need to know they're dependable, I need to know they are worth my time/energy/efforts.  If not... I'm absolutely not available for them.  That may make me sound like I'm needy, insecure, fearful...  Sure.  I am.  If you're being honest, so are you.  We all are.  Life has given us scars and when a situation pushes on that scar, it lights up like Harry Fucken Potter's lightening scar.  OOOF, OUCH, YES, kindly step away from pressing on this sensitive spot because it's kinda REALLY burning into my skull.  I've been feeling like I'm the one who's damaged--that if I didn't have these issues... life would be so wonderful and I would go skipping gaily happily, nonchalantly, heart WIDE open.  That's not going to happen.  I'm not even interested in that happening.  What I'm calling in for myself, are situations, people, and things that will welcome me in wholeheartedly, exactly as I am.  If I'm not a fit, then I can walk away easily.  I don't want to erase my scars.

I've been talking to a good friend about her situation with a man she's been seeing.  We were talking about how she goes through the same process of waiting for the hurt to come.  Waiting for betrayal.  Waiting for the bad news that, once again, she's not meant for this sort of happiness.  I realize how much we have in common there.  We both acknowledged that in the past we've experienced different hurts and scars that have led us to react in ways that are often to our own detriment.  I'll be blunt: I've been betrayed and blindsided.  I've also seen the death of a relationship due to a thousand paper cuts over a decade.  I've experienced trauma and I've been mistreated.  I've also had a completely healthy, loving, giving relationship, which is now a standard and a must for me.  I can't and won't lower my baseline.

So this is a letter to myself and for anyone else who understands that our scars are actually gifts.  Reminders of our journey thus far.  A compass leading us away from that which doesn't feel good.  Leading us toward that which DOES feel good.  As for me, I'm depending on my scars to help guide me. 

Winter

After December, there can be such a feeling of depletion.  Depleted here, depleted there, depleted errywhere!  For me, December breaks down with the first half revolving around Finn's birthday and the last part consists of me blazing through to create a Christmas... experience.  Then I stare at the remaining Christmas decorations and know they aren't going anywhere until around mid-February... probably Valentine's Day.  And that's fiiiiine. 

The part that can be hard is I feel like I'm doing the work of two people.  I don't really complain to anyone about it.  It's both a privilege and a pain.  I'm so grateful to see my son's expressions and joy during the holidays, but I have to admit there's a longing on my part.  I wish I had someone to share the struggles and the joys with, but I just have to try to acknowledge it and settle it in my own mind and heart.  I like balance and after this part of exhausting and planning and giving to my son, I think it makes sense that I feel worn out and the hibernation feeling of winter helps to support what I want to do, which is cozy up in my house... relax... drink soothing teas... read... watch netflix... do some healing yoga... journal.

Then I also have to acknowledge the part of me that's missing connection.  The lonely part.  That's there too, waiting to be satisfied again.   We all have duality of feelings like that, so I'm not going to be hard on myself for not being grateful enough or positive enough.  No.  Life can be hard and it can hurt.  You can hurt while laughing.  One of the most common examples of that for me is when Finn says something so clever, so funny, soooo unexpected and I burst into laughter and I almost look around to tap someone's leg and say, "Did you hear that?  So funny!"  There's a desire to share.  That's just a thing I deal with, but I was thinking of people who are in much more dire, painful circumstances than I.  Or just those who relate, despite different circumstances.  Basically, I saw this beautiful, quirky little drawing:

Image from http://kgstoryteller.tumblr.com/

and it reminded me how we do, in fact, have a light within us.  We do until we don't.  If you're alive reading this, then you do.  The light within will wax and wane.  But we're in this together.  The beautiful saying that has closed many yoga practices is that the light in me, honors the light in you.  Let's light a candle for each other.  Let's strengthen our connection and warm our weary bodies by the heat of each other's brilliance, kindness, warmth.  That's my hope.

 

 

 

Image from https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a7/fb/97/a7fb97266f5004d98776476d3db72bb8.jpg
Image from https://i.pinimg.com/564x/7e/e6/b0/7ee6b089eeb764dfacf247f13282f91e.jpg
Image from https://buddhaful-souls.tumblr.com/
Image from https://me.me/i/i-understand-now-that-im-not-a-mess-but-a-3368861
Image from https://www.polyvore.com/softly/set?.svc=copypaste&embedder=3979671&id=94372425
Image from https://www.instagram.com/p/BM61nrFhtoy/
Image from http://threadsence.com/Blog/stay-tuned-pop-it/
Image from https://i.pinimg.com/564x/9c/4d/27/9c4d27bf9bb242950222029297266623.jpg
Image from https://i.pinimg.com/564x/bf/58/33/bf58339a1bf43f1fe4d363c6b80c5760.jpg
Image fromhttps://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/48/1d/71/481d712499208b6a802c361ae7b7a3ef.jpg
Image from https://plus.google.com/+BethLuisNion
Image from https://i.pinimg.com/564x/c7/c1/98/c7c19849332e09dc6ecbb0846ebb4c05.jpg
Image from https://i.pinimg.com/564x/91/b3/fc/91b3fcecb6e26838a4ce53d1b11a6bce.jpg
Image from http://xmasdiycraft.blogspot.com/2015/08/winter-night-east-9th-street-east.html
Image from http://frame.bloglovin.com/frame?post=2009071551&group=0&frame_type=fb&blog=1844326&link=aHR0cDovL215aWRlYWxob21lLnR1bWJsci5jb20vcG9zdC82OTEyMjEzMDg5NQ&frame=1&click=0&user=0
Image from https://www.floatingkitchen.net/winter-fruit-and-yogurt-breakfast-bowls-with-gingerbread-granola/?crlt.pid=camp.QoTvI4VqK9uX
Image from https://www.floatingkitchen.net/indian-chicken-and-potato-stew-with-garam-masala-tomato-sauce/
Image from http://yummybeet.com/winter-chopped-salad-pear-feta-arugula/
Image from https://adventuresincooking.com/saffron-star-bread/

Video from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqN7MjY5KX0
Video from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVtSSCzASR0
Video from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdVH8FnG2sQ&feature=share
Video from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zz0JXbwNUk8

Slightly less pissed off

I was pretty unapologetically angry in that last post.  I'm now feeling a bit better.  We're still hearing stories of sexual harassment and assaults on a daily basis and, instead of feeling anger and frustration, I'm feeling something else and I'm not sure I quite have a word for it, but the closest that comes to mind is" relief"?  What's been done has already been done.  A veil is just being lifted.

Most of the stories we hear are from celebrities or those involved in politics, but those who would transgress upon another person are obviously found across the world and throughout every profession.  The thing that doesn't vary is that it's always about power.  I learned that a long time ago.  One person seeks to gain power over another and it's really cheap and it's really pathetic and it's completely inhumane.  I really mean that word, "inhumane"--it's not the human way.  It's not what we're meant to experience and feel with other humans.  I've tried to not use pronouns too much here because men have come forward with their stories too.  That's so important to remember.  It's not one sex vs another, but more about insecure people with power whether by strength/size, position, or status, taking advantage of another.  It's ugly, but it doesn't discriminate.  Anyone can be a victim. 

These stories are important.  I hear people complaining, "whyyyy all of a sudden?" or "don't you think it's suspicious that all these people are coming out of the woodwork now?"  or "it's just depressing, I'm sick of reading about it."  First, okay, yep, I agree that's it's depressing.  That's a given.  I don't read each story verbatim for that reason.  I think of each story as someone's opportunity to lift a weight off their shoulders and to no longer give another person power over them.  Brene Brown says "If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.  If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive."  So, shame and empathy cannot share the same space.  When you no longer hold onto something that previously brought you feelings of shame, guilt, fear, confusion, etc then you're freeing yourself from those things.

Secondly, no I don't think it's surprising to hear all the stories at around the same time.  When the climate gets worse, and it certainly has with Trump, there's a point where the pressure needs to be released.  The rot and the trash start piling up and wading through it becomes more and more difficult to where the water that previously looked a little choppy seems worth getting into just to alleviate the stench.  That water looks a little more calm at that point.  A few really brave people decided to take the risk of lending their voices to tell others it's okay to come out now.  It's safe.  Having a movement labeled "metoo" is all about creating a safe community of people who acknowledge that a real unfairness and a complete injustice is a part of the culture of this world.   I'm always rooting for the underdog and so I personally feel a bit of a sense of justice with quite a few of the stories that have come out.  Even if it's at the risk of losing respect for an actor or a comedian I previously liked. 

Glennon Doyle Melton has said, "First you need the revelation, then you can have the revolution,"which was inspired by a line from "Hamilton, the Musical" 

You want a revolution?  I want a revelation

We need these stories out and in the open where they can't hide.  We need to have the revelations to where we can openly admit to there being a very clear problem.  We don't need to read each story and let it hurt us and we don't need to make sweeping generalizations that all men in power are pigs or, as I've also seen, victim shaming and blaming.  I think every woman has at least one story to tell of having dealt with sexual harassment.  You don't have to go much further than to imagine an elevator scenario with a woman and a man who don't know each other on it.  I think a good man is probably aware of how that may feel for the woman and does his best to keep a physical distance and maybe even holds his breath to keep her feeling safe.  The woman is hoping for the best, maybe clutching her car keys to use as a weapon if need be, and breathing a bit of a sigh of relief when she gets safely out of the elevator.  My point being that the tense energy between those two people is there because we both now how ugly things can be.  Good men want women to feel safe.  Good men want women to know they're on their side.  Good men want to work with women to make the world safe for everyone.  Everyone benefits from feminism. 

So... we're having the revelations, next comes the revolutions.  The rising.  If one good thing comes from having Trump as... you know...the president (shudder) is that the majority of Americans can bond together and agree that there are some serious problems and there is power in those numbers.  

Last thing.  I really like this song.  I think it's so emotionally generous.  Admittedly, I don't know much about Kesha, but I have heard about her having endured verbal and sexual abuse from a music producer she worked with and that it was difficult for her to get out of her contract with him.  I can't say what inspired this song, but the lyrics suggest both a revelation and a readiness for a revolution, don't they?

Pissed Right Off

I had all the best intentions.

I wanted to follow up my last post on conscious parenting with some examples of how it can truly change the world.  If we could stop inflicting our own shit onto our children and were able to approach parenting from a mindful, conscious place, then our children could live baggage-free and wouldn't have to spend their whole lives trying to undo what's been done... or worse, being unaware of the effects and producing more children who are doomed to inherit the pains of their ancestors. I took notes while reading her book.  It's revolutionary.  It's one of the best concepts I've ever heard.  I haven't been able to give it my attention.  The #metoo movement happened.

I feel like I've been sitting with an inner rage.  Partly due to reading news stories of criminal sexual allegations on a nearly daily basis and partly because I CANNOT reconcile the fact that the guy in the white house has more than 20 accusations, from rape to harassment, and it doesn't look to me like any repercussions are coming his way.  I'm disgusted with him on a daily basis and, yet, frustratingly... I just have to sit and wait for justice to take place?  Yes, that is how our system is set up, but Al Franken is accused of sexual misconduct and BOOM he resigns.  Hell, Billy Bush was just in the damn van listening to the vile spewing from Trump's lips and was fired, yet the guy admitting to the crimes is elected president.

Brock Turner was arrested for raping an unconscious woman.  The victim penned a beautifully written letter describing her experience.  I felt for her.  He was in prison for 3 months and he's being let out.  His dad explained his son's jail time as “... a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life.”   Really.  Yeahhh, interesting how 20 minutes can ruin a lot of lives, dipshit.  That statement makes my blood boil.  I'm not even going to go into it because it's very clear that father and son lack any awareness, sensitivity, empathy, or remorse.  Isn't it so great he's gaining back his freedom?  I'm guessing she'll never feel free... meanwhile, Cyntoia Brown is serving a life sentence for shooting a man in self defense who had "purchased" her from a sex trafficker.  How do you like that kind of justice?  Brock gets 3 months and Cyntoia gets a life sentence...

her conviction happened in Tennessee, which reminds me of Alabama...

... which brings us to the hypocrite Roy Moore, who is running for senate.  I just have to ask myself if, in his quiet moments--maybe before going to bed--does he feel the weight of his hypocrisy or is his mind so twisted that he can really convince himself that he is a good Christian, conservative man.  I'm sick to death of hearing "men" like him throw out hateful remarks against groups like the LGBTQ and democrats who are pro-choice.  Just because someone is pro-choice, doesn't mean they are excitedly encouraging women to abort their children.  In reality, aren't we all pro-life?  No one is excited about terminating a pregnancy, but they don't want creepy men like Roy Moore deciding what they can and cannot do with their bodies. 
 
Truthfully, I'm angry right now.  I'm angry for other peoples pain.  I'm angry at the perpetrators and predators.  I'm angry that our country is being led by a diabolical, lying, corrupt person who is a perpetrator himself with no respect for the opposite sex.  We have a president who endorses Roy Moore's bid for senator of Alabama.  He tells us it's okay to overlook that he's been accused of pedophilia because we sure could use his vote in the senate!  Luckily, there are some decent members of the Republican party who say nooooo... actually we can't compromise on this point and endorse a man accused with pedophilia... that's gonna remain on the reject list for now...

Trump will say "fake news" and his followers will do what they do best... follow.  He says to believe him.  Believe him over your gut feelings.  Believe him over people who have nothing to gain from coming forward, but were brave enough to do so anyway.  Believe him because... quite frankly, it's just easier for him.  Coming up with lies and ways to twist information can be difficult.  It's creative thinking.  And thinking's hard, right Don?  Thinking makes brain go ouch.

Lastly, the co-worker/friend I talk to the most on a daily basis has been going through the process of adopting her niece and saving her from her step-father.  Hers isn't a public story and it isn't mine to share the details.  It's one more story that just baffles me.

I don't know how people can attack and be so cruel and be fully aware, yet deny culpability and expect to just go on with their lives like normal, knowing they've broken others in ways that will never be fully healed.

I'm venting.  I've been wanting to write about better, more positive things.  I need a break from the news, but I'm stuck between knowing I need a break and feeling I need to be aware of what's going on.  I feel slightly better now that I have that out of my system. 

Conscious Parenting, Part 1

This post contains affiliate links, please read my disclosure for more information. Also know that this is not sponsored, I'm just an affiliate, choosing products I personally use and love.  I updated my disclosure statement because my previous one was dinged for duplicating content!  Sheee-it.  I hope it's acceptable now.

Remember a lil' film called The Sound of Music?  

I watched it somewhat obsessively as a child.  Is every few months obsessive?  Anyway, I sang the song Sixteen Going on Seventeen for an audition in my high school's musical, I wanted to make clothes out of curtains, I would re-enact the scene where she sings My Favorite Things using my dolls and stuffed animals to stand in for the other characters.  I also had a slight crush on Captain von Trapp (played by Christopher Plummer.)  

I'm going to be super honest and admit that there was an entire (and important) plot line that I never grasped until adulthood.  I didn't know the historical background behind the film.  As a child, I loved and looked forward to the two scenes when Captain von Trapp sings the song Edelweiss.  I would tear up and feel a sense of sadness, not knowing why or what it meant... The lyrics on the surface aren't sad, but I knew there was a haunting, melancholy and sort of nostalgic feeling beneath it.   Watching it as an adult... it takes on a whole new understanding.  He's bidding farewell to Austria, the country where he was born,  the country he loved, and the country where he served in the navy.  It's very heartbreaking for him to have to leave, but he can't abide the nazi regime taking over his country.  His feelings of being in a country he no longer understands is very applicable today.  

Boy do I digress...  

We see a significant transformation in the Captain von Trapp character from when Maria initially comes into his life and the end of the film.  When Maria applies to be a nanny for the Captain's children, she walks into a very dictatorial, authoritarian parenting style.  His children are obedient, but only out of fear.  He seems to want a sense of control, order, and quiet in his life.  And his children comply.  The drawback is that they are robotic and lifeless and there is very little warmth and fun in the home.

 

Image from https://wtop.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/The-Sound-of-Music-Anniversary7.jpeg

Image from https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/media/images/81301000/jpg/_81301669_film-624.jpg

Comparatively, Maria immediately relates to them by speaking to their souls.  She allows them the freedom to be themselves.   However, the natural byproduct of this style of parenting is more noise and occasional chaos.  This throws the father into fear--actually he was already living in fear, but it's heightened now.  The quiet gave him the illusion he was in control. 

Dr. Shefali Tsarbury is an expert in conscious parenting.  I was watching Oprah interview her on Super Soul Sunday a couple of years ago and I was mesmerized.  Seemed like every word she spoke made a significant impact--a truth bomb if you will...  I had some tears because it occurred to me that that was the kind of parent I'd been working towards being, but I didn't have a term for it.  

She explained that people are really seeking to control their children.  As a parent, your feelings of failure and lack of control are what come up.  Less of a desire to help your child, but more to help us (the parent) feel in control. 

But.

You can't control another spirit.  Think of trying to control an adult friend of yours.  You wouldn't think to do that or to discipline a friend because you can't trespass on another person like that.  Yet that's exactly what we try to do with our children.  Our main advantage we leverage is that we're physically bigger and can control them with our size.  Parents finally have the control they didn't have when they were children and take advantage.  Then this cycle continues when the child becomes a parent and lords their size over their children in order to have a sense of control.  And on it goes...

Recently, I was driving somewhere with Finn and he said

It's not fair that kids don't have any power or control.  How is that fair?

I love when he shows that he has such an active, aware mind to ask such a question, but then I was stuck.  Each answer that came to mind, seemed to be glamorizing growing up fast and being an adult--like--

Well, when you're an adult, you can make the decisions too.

or something like:

Adults just know things from experience that children haven't had the opportunity to learn yet.  One day you will know, but I'm here to help until then.

Of course, if you switch perspectives for a minute, that response would be deeply unsatisfying to hear.  Sucks to be a kid, kid!  Deal with it. 

I've been reading Dr. Shefali's work on conscious parenting for a couple of years now  (since that Super Soul Sunday, in fact) but I just recently finished her book The Awakened Parent for the second time.  Her work is next level.  I think the way she describes the role of the parent to the child is beautiful.  It actually really has changed my life and my views on, not just parenting, but being in the world and relating to other people.  It's not a traditional parenting book.  It's actually all about the you, the reader.  In fact, I think this book is perfect for everyone--parent or not--basically if you've been raised by a parent, you will learn valuable information as to why you are the way you are--how you've inherited certain characteristics and beliefs.  

I'm going to describe it more in depth in my next post, but I can't speak highly enough about her and her ways of redefining parenthood.  You can buy her book here.  Seriously ... so worth your time.  

Back to that conversation with my son--

In the struggle to think of something that wasn't trite, condescending, or useless to say to him, I thought of how she emphasizes to relate to your child and to really hear them.  I didn't try to "fix" it, but I genuinely understood the natural frustration he was feeling and I said--

I understand what you're saying, Finn.  It does seem unfair.  I totally get that it would be more fun for both of us to go play at the park, rather than going home to do homework and then making dinner.  I won't argue that.  I think the best way is to just compromise that some days we'll be able to do that and some days we won't for whatever reasons, but we can still make time for fun no matter what.  You can choose what we play after dinner, okay?

He's not unreasonable and he nodded and said, "Okay."  Other times, he might argue a little bit more, but I mostly feel that when I'm strongly relating to him and attuning to him ... it's easier.  

When I'm trying to gain control and "fix" something, we lose that connection momentarily.  And... when I'm uncomfortable with myself is when it's not easy.  And that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  

Mannn... it's crazy how this kind of parenting makes us so aware of our ego and calls us to be strong observers of ourselves.  One thing Tsarbary promises is that conscious parenting:

“... calls for a lot of inner work.  It’s hard to spot the ego — it’s not readily seen.  But our children have a way of unerringly pointing us to where our ego trips us up.  Every one of us is destined to be triggered by our children in some profound elemental way.."

So when people say that our children are our greatest teachers... it's absolutely true.

more to come...