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I recently wrote this quote by Noor Unnahar on a chalkboard in my house's entryway.  I love it so much and it's a beautiful daily reminder. I’ve mentioned the concept of core desired feelings before.  I mentioned a major one for me is love.  That's not going to change.  Another one I can't deny is freedom.  FREEDOM (do you also mentally hear Mel Gibson shouting the word?)  

I can play the game, pay bills, have responsibilities.  Not saying I want to totally go rogue here.  But I’ve been seriously thinking about how short life is and how I need to really work on what I need to do to gain this highly coveted freedom.  To me, freedom means living a little differently.  It’s about constructing a life you actually want to live.  Inviting the people you want in, throwing in adventures and travel, speaking your truth from a loving standpoint, following the people/places/things that make you feel alive, holding space for those you care about, listening to music and dancing whilst cooking (yes, it's kind of out of place on this list, but I feel pretttty damn free when I'm doing it), making my son giggle, showing him the world has more to it than a lot of people give it credit for.  As I attempt to engage in all this, I feel like I'm building a peaceful, joyful existence with a lot more possibilities available to me and ahead of me than before. 

I know a lot of women, and I’m mostly referring to women I currently work with or have in the past, who are angry.  They come to work angry.  They spew their anger in different ways and in all directions.  Sometimes it’ll come in criticizing someone’s personality, other people’s choices, the weather, the fuuuuucking day of the week, etc.  Usually it’s at someone else’s expense.  Sooo, yeahhh, I don’t think I’m terribly popular at work because I don’t want that shit sent my way.  I tend to say uncool things, such as:

  

“Well, I think he/she’s probably trying his/her best” 

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the full picture”

“She’s probably going through a lot right now”

“I wouldn’t take that personally if I were you”

“Just don’t take the bait”

One of my coworkers walked away from me the other day after I said something along those lines and she said, “Well, I can’t talk to you, you’re too nice.”  She said it with some humor so it wasn’t so harsh.  I'm pretty sure it made me laugh.  I don’t know that it’s being “nice” to suggest that we’re all human and constantly making choices and some of them aren’t going to be great, especially since we’re so prone to making fear-based decisions.  I just don’t want to engage in trivial gossip.  Yes, if it’s someone I love, I will listen to anything they have to say and take it very seriously and if someone is really in pain and wants to talk, I’m not going to brush them off either.  It’s just the constant, low- vibe norm of angry chatter that gets to me.  

I should take a minute to point out that I am being hypocritical in pointing out my coworkers’ very human flaws, while wishing they were aware of the same in others.  I hope to rise above that some day.   I honestly don't see a way to really do that without distancing myself, which I've done quite a bit of and can lead to some isolation.  Ergh.  I don't really know the best way.  I had hoped I could influence them to perhaps see things differently, but I think it's just set me apart.  There’s a complacency in the environment that can draw you in and threaten to drown you if you don’t actively resist it.  I know that I could be in the club if I were to bitchandmoaneverydamnday or, at LEAST have the decency to commiserate with them, but yo… this is a club I never want to be in.

Which brings me to…

Freedom.  Since I don’t prescribe to the notion “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” I’ve started to seriously consider my choices.  So I’m choosing freedom.  I’m looking down a few different paths toward this goal.  I want to live a life by design.  I’ve been inspired by some of my friends (non-work friends!) who live this sort of life.  They don’t work in brick and mortar stores, but they offer valuable goods and services.  I’m considering which direction to go here because I would like to collaborate with some of them, but I think any direction I choose will allow me some freedom in various ways.  Plus, the freedom of focusing my energy in a more constructive way.  Cheers to freedom!  A very worthy core desired feeling.  And cheers to knowing I will absolutely be judged and criticized for this freedom!  I’m going to be considerate and careful about it, but I want to embrace it and not let fear burden me too much with doubt.  A little doubt is healthy, right?  Please say yes....!

*Note: I realllllllly, really, really don't want to be an ass about my coworkers.  I absolutely understand that we're all conditioned from childhood toward certain outlooks and choices.  From a very young age we're taught, consciously or unconsciously, what to accept and reject and what to gravitate toward and what to avoid.  I've also learned that a lot of growing up involves "unlearning" what you've learned. I talk about fear so much because I think if I've learned one thing in life it has to do with love vs fear.  You make choices from one or the other.  Fear creeps in all the time for me.  Elizabeth Gilbert says that it's okay to let fear in the car, but it's forbidden from driving.

From Elizabeth Gilbert's facebook page

Meditate That!

I once heard a Buddhist prayer/meditation at the end of a yoga class.  There were maybe six of us in the class and it was dark outside.  The only light came from the candlelight in the room and a string of clear-colored Christmas lights draped lengthwise from one corner of the ceiling to the other.  After a semi-arduous workout, followed by Savasana, or corpse pose, we had a short meditation.  Savasana pose is a relaxing posture which allows your body to completely relax of any tension.  During this pose, my mind will usually either go to a blissfully thought-free zone or,  other times, I can be pretty aware of my surroundings, including the people currently in the room with me.  Unnaturally for me, I will actually feel grateful for those people and for what we just experienced together.  I know... weeeiird.  It's a nice change for me to feel connected and appreciative of the people around me, rather than viewing them as obstacles to get around or pests I must endure until they're gone.  Sadly, only slightly exaggerating here...

Anyway, after the relaxation of Savasana, we propped up onto our mats and got into comfortable sitting positions with our eyes still closed.  My mind was in a good place to take in what I was about to hear.  In fact, I loved it so much I asked the instructor after class if I could get a copy of it.  Part of what really impacted me was that it came at a time I really needed to hear it and, admittedly, part of it was the soothing sound of the instructor’s voice, but mostly it was that it felt like truth.  It loudly rang the truth bell and I packed it in my truth basket.  But, yes, I like truth, it's refreshing.  I've never found it in a church, but I've found it in unexpected ways/places/people.  Doesn't matter much to me where I find it,  just as long as I do.  I couldn't find a recording of this, so I recorded myself reading it at a relaxed, slow pace and will add in soothing music when I want to meditate with it again.  So, there's a suggestion if you'd like to do the same...

Here's the meditation:

Just sit.  Notice where you feel hard, and sit with that.  

In the middle of that hardness, you’ll find anger; sit with that.  

Go to the center of the anger and you’ll probably come to sadness.  

Stay with the sadness until it turns to vulnerability.  

Keep sitting with what comes up; the deeper you dig, the more tender you become.  

Raw fear can open into the wide expanse of genuineness, compassion, gratitude, and acceptance in the present moment. 

A tender heart appears naturally when you are able to stay present.  From your heart, you can see the true pigment of the sky.  You can see the vibrant yellow of the sunflower and the deep blue of your daughter’s eyes.  

A tender heart doesn’t block out rainclouds, or tears, or dying sunflowers.  Allow both beauty and sadness to touch you. 

This is love, not fear.

 

6th Birthday Party

I made quite a realization whilst looking at the photos from Finn's birthday party this month.  One, I'm a terrible photographer.  Two, I literally need to shove my camera in someone's hand and ask them to take at LEAST one picture of me with my son so there's evidence that I actually attend the parties at my house, as opposed to sneaking out. Third, combining Christmas decorations with birthday decorations creates an interesting/strange/unique effect that I need to not stress about because I had a Christmas baby and I still find that very fitting.

I couldn't be more proud to be this little guy's mom.  Whether he's giving me the highest of compliments, telling me I'm the most beautiful person in the world, the best mother, or praising my acting chops while I read him stories.  I appreciate the other side too!  When he mutters about why I do certain things, questions why I'm such a nuisance or tells me my jokes aren't funny, I can't sing, and maybe he just needs to keep his options open for a new mother, there's always love.  That's what we have. 

The party really was fun.  I know he enjoyed it. And who doesn't have some love for Batman?  Come on.  The quote on the Batman cutout says, "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

#whatyogibhajansaid

This isn't a fun one to write.  One day I'm going to nail it with humor.  I'll killlll.  But I feel the need to get this out, so I can better process it and move on.

It’s hard letting go of a friendship. 

Really hard. 

I’ve been fighting for the friendship of the person I considered my best friend for a few years now because I haven’t wanted to lose it.  Through ups and downs.  Through periods of silence, followed by periods of close bonding and and planning fun life events.  I overlooked things, pretended that I could let things slide that I shouldn't.  I’d get sentimental about some of the hilarious, ridiculous, agonizingly emotional, and interesting memories I have with her and latch on to that emotion.  For so long, I've let that nostalgia override the other nagging feelings.  It's been a roller coaster.

But when I stopped fighting and let things settle naturally, they didn’t settle as I’d hoped.  And the hardest thing has been not rushing to put things back together, but to just let them be.  At this point in my life, I’m better at recognizing when I’m falling into fear-based thinking: trying to control and take charge of our relationship and make.it.work.  I knew if I wasn’t tending the garden of our friendship, it would shrivel up and… die.  

I don’t take that lightly. 

I have crazy strong endurance when it comes to my closest relationships, whether it’s staying up all night talking or feeling the pain of another person as I open my heart to their pain.  Whatever the situation, I have an all-in approach.  

There was a point when I stopped being understanding and empathetic and I tried to pull her into a positive frame of mind.  Maybe I tried to force her.  I will not be a part of her group of enablers.  My mistake was in thinking that we were like-minded.  When I’ve been hit with some difficult life situations in the last 5 years, she’s been there for me and with me, which I will always appreciate.  Always.  But my goal has consistently been to get back up: stronger and better than before.  I thought we were on the same wavelength and it took me a long time to realize that I wasn't seeing her make changes.  There was talk, but no action.  I just started to focus on why this frustrated me: 

She didn’t want to heal.  Not really.  Maybe it’s easier to stay in the darkness because no one will expect anything of you.  No expectations, goals or dreams to achieve.  No one can claim to be disappointed when you give them nothing to be disappointed in--if you never make an effort to attain a goal or dream. 

I wanted to be different for her.  She said she's never had a good friend who stayed.  I wanted to be the one who didn’t walk away as she showed me her darkness.  I saw it and accepted it, but I thought that was a place she was stuck at temporarily; not a permanent home.  I can’t meet her where she is.  I’m not willing to.  

Do I want better?  Do I want to heal?  For me, there’s no question that the answers are an emphatic yes and that I’m always on that path, even if I take steps backward I never lose track of the path.  I’m dedicated to me and I’m on my side.  I truly misunderstood my friend’s heart in this way.  She told me how she admired me and was inspired to do things to better herself, but her actions overrode her words. 

I can’t will someone into happiness, nor do I wish to have the same circular conversations over and over.  I realize I’ve cared more about her well-being than she does.  It’s broken my heart many times to talk her into joining the fight, only to see her throw her hands up at the first obstacle.

I don't think friendships like ours can morph into a casual one.  It's very obvious that something's changed and we can't relate in the same way.  I think she probably blames me. I blame me too--for a lot of it.  I should've engaged in tough love a lot sooner.  We were so exquisitely patient with each other.  I will always think of her with love.  I don't think the vice versa of that is true. 

My first instinct is to check my own inventory.  I know I haven't been a perfect friend.  Neither of us have.  I just have to follow my path and I will have her in my heart. 

http://www.pixteller.com/pdata/t/l-395837.jpg

Peace...

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Heavy heart.  

Like many of you, I’m overwhelmed with the world’s tragedies and the ongoing shitstorm of idiocy.  I don’t know how exactly to process the inundation of daily stories detailing horrific events occurring.  The racism, homophobia, ignorance, hate… I’m so frustrated that the world is still plagued with this.  I hope there will be a day when I read the news and am not greeted with a story of violence in Shanghai, casualties in the Mediterranean, and the absolutely senseless mass killings in my own country.  

A week ago, my good friend lost her son.  His story was all over the local news due to the dramatic angle of the recklessness of another person causing his death.  He was a victim of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  People who commented on social media about how sad it is won’t remember the story in a month, but everyone who knew her son will forever be affected.  The story devastated me.  She and I had been talking about her son recently and she was telling me how she hoped he would be able to find his path.  He was 19 and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life when he was killed.  I keep thinking about the moment when her life went from “normal” to a person in mourning.  Forever in mourning.  It makes me tear up as I’m writing to imagine getting that phone call, her driving to the hospital in a panic, and being told it’s already too late—that there’s nothing to be done because he was already brain dead.  It hurts to think of the details.  The person who purposely crashed into his car, going over 60 MPH over the speed limit wanted to end her life and was willing, in that moment, to use another vehicle to accomplish that purpose.  However, the opposite happened and she’s alive and the two people in the other vehicle are dead.  

His death brought so many people to their knees and it’s really made me think how each of these senseless killings has such a large impact.  Each person’s life has such value.  

It’s sad that “world peace” is commonly just a punchline in jokes about beauty pageant idealism. Times are dark.  They are.  There’s no use in burying our heads in the sand and pretending otherwise.  When will the conversation move away from fights on social media toward what actions can be taken to make this better?  I only know that, even on a small level, we have some power to move towards peace and to not let these things darken are souls to where we throw our hands up.  We’re all in this experience together.  It’s time to ask critical questions.

What would happen, how would the tides shift if we began to bring more love, compassion to the mess of our lives?  A sea of change begins with one.  I met with a healer once who directed me to The Four Agreements, a book by Don Miguel Ruiz.  She suggested I read the book and asked me how different the world would be if we all followed these four simple agreements.  I’m just going to leave this here.  And think about it.  How would the world look if each of us made these agreements with ourselves?  Because it has to start with us.  And I’m not ready to give up.

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