The problem is that those people who have the ability to do that... well, they're rare. They're the endangered species for your soul. You know when you meet them. You just know. This person... this person's special.
I knew to be cautious. I knew to be skeptical. His words were so romantic. So hopeful. So endearing that I had to remain in a neutral zone until I saw that it was true. It was true. He was that guy. He was genuinely excited and happy to have met me and very hopeful about the potential. He told me and showed me all the time. I couldn't believe how open and raw he was able to be with me. I began to trust in it a little more.
Then he told me was worried he might hurt me if we got ahead of ourselves before establishing a strong foundation. He said he wanted to honor me and he never wanted to hurt me. I started to consider how high I should build my walls now. Do I just cement and mortar two layers? Or should I go more halfway, so I can still knock them down a bit, but I'm half-safe? I reminded myself that what he said was a kindness to me, so I stayed open.
He was mediating more and more and started to realize how he hadn't dealt with the traumas he'd had in life. He told me he was worried that he wasn't able to fully be the boyfriend I deserved. So, he was gone for a week or so, until his reiki training. He came back with enthusiasm and told me he was replenished after getting his certification. His enthusiasm was infectious and I wanted to start marketing for him! I've always had a secret fantasy/dream of being in a relationship with someone with those energetic abilities. He could tell what I was feeling. He could tell what anyone near him was feeling on an energetic level. He can get into these crazy meditative states where he's transferred into the body of animals, where he's had past life regressions... He's basically incredibly intuitive and in touch with source. I knew I could learn a lot from him, but sometimes I felt like I wasn't his equal. I felt more like I was the student and he was the teacher, but he was always very gracious and far from condescending. He just had those natural abilities.
There's a fire within someone like that. They're constantly changing, adapting, relearning, exhausting, reigniting. They are being flooded with new information and messages on a daily basis. I have literally NO IDEA what that feels like. It was an awesome thing to behold. To just listen to him describe what he was being told or what was being reaffirmed for him.
I have to say the four months I was with him flew by. It's what you would call a "short relationship." Yet I feel like it's going to stay with me forever. I can't forget someone like that. I can't be mad at someone like that. Someone like that never meant to cause me pain. I think he lives like a flame.
The breakup itself was handled with such care and delicate tenderness. He learned what he had to do and told me as soon as he realized it. I think the saddest/sweetest part is that he asked if I wanted him to leave and acknowledged that, "It's hard because--as the person who's caused you pain, I don't think you'll find comfort in my presence, but, as your friend, I don't want to leave you alone to feel this way." It's hard for me because--in relationships--I'm not casual. I either really care or I wouldn't be spending time with the person at all. I'm either completely in or completely out. So a friendship forms. I tend to miss that friendship and that closeness more than anything. I already miss his daily "Good morning beautiful 😘" texts.
His words were beautiful. All along his words were beautiful. I don't think I'll forget them, but I don't want to include them here. They're just for me. I'm just sitting here feeling the loss. I didn't want to be here... again... I took a risk though and it's been a really long time. A really long time. I feel a little like this vase:
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