I
recently saw my therapist again and said this to her once I got choked up and could hardly speak through my tears. Surely she'd never had a client cry before and was terribly uncomfortable. Orrr perhaps I have a habit of overapologizing. Hmmm...
I'll back up just to mention that I thought some issues were taken care of the first time I saw my counselor, but things have crept up again with new triggers and I want to talk it out in a healthy way.
I'll back up just to mention that I thought some issues were taken care of the first time I saw my counselor, but things have crept up again with new triggers and I want to talk it out in a healthy way.
Back to the story--she
told me not to apologize, that there was nothing to apologize for. I
agreed and told her I do that too often. Indiscriminately. Where does it come from?
In
the eighth grade I met a lovely friend, let’s call her Annie. I had never met someone quite like her before. She was nice and polite, but almost too polite. It threw me off. I didn't know how to respond when she would come up to me and say,
"Hiii! Sorry!" as a greeting.
I think I'd take a beat and sardonically reply,
"Uhm, well, apology warranted AND accepted."
"Hiii! Sorry!" as a greeting.
I think I'd take a beat and sardonically reply,
"Uhm, well, apology warranted AND accepted."
Annie apologized for... everything. Literally everything. Hearing “sorry” from her became the norm. I think we all found it amusing and accepted it as just a cute quirk of hers. However, I sort
of noticed myself taking on the word more. I never used to apologize for
meaningless things before high school, but it seeped into my
vocabulary and came out a lot more. Now it's a pretty regular word for me too. Unfortunately. I find it comes out more with certain people and certain situations, but I pretty much want to abolish it altogether, except in the rare cases where it's deserved.
I can see many aspects of my life where I took on these messages but part of it definitely involved feeling inadequate (can you imagine? with all those contradictory, impossible goals that one might feel they've fallen short somewhere along the way?) I demonstrated my feeling I didn't fit in or belong by feeling sorry for the simplest things from not walking fast enough to calling my doctor's nurse to fill her in with some information I’d remembered after my visit. Even apologizing when someone bumped into me.
Annie showcased the various ways and situations in
which one can apologize, but something brings that feeling of needing
to apologize to the surface. I love Annie. She still apologizes profusely when I see her. She will start sentences with, "I'm sorry, but I just think..." I know she sees it as a way to be polite, but it's really an ineffectual preemptive way to avoid seeming rude or offending anyone. And it just kind of undercuts anything that comes after it, right?
So, what does it matter? Who's being hurt by these apologies--aren't they just attempts at being polite and shouldn't that be welcomed these days? A
warranted apology is a powerful thing. It means a lot. When a loved
one is in pain, I will let them know how sorry I am that they’re
hurting. An unwarranted one only really serves to hurt the apologizer on a
subconscious level. That’s what it’s done for me. The few times I’ve
had it pointed out to me that I apologize a lot I have a feeling of I knoooow!! Gawwwd! Help me stop. Sorry, is it annoying when I say sorry??! Like I just want to ERASE the moment I apologized.
I also realize that my surface level apologies are--and always have been--apologies for deeper things anyway. Apologizing for taking up space. Apologizing just for existing. It’s not okay. It's not okay with me or FOR me.
I think it bears mentioning that while both genders are brought up to be polite and say their pleases, thank you's, and sorry's, a different level of emphasis is given to girls. Boys are taught to be more assertive and direct. To be competitive. To be strong. To be successful. Compare that to some of the messages girls are taught:
◦Be pretty
◦Don’t ruffle feathers or step on any toes
◦Don’t take up too much space
◦Don’t be too loud
◦Don't be a pushover, but don't get too confident
◦Don’t be too bold
◦Be thoughtful toward everyone but yourself
I also realize that my surface level apologies are--and always have been--apologies for deeper things anyway. Apologizing for taking up space. Apologizing just for existing. It’s not okay. It's not okay with me or FOR me.
I think it bears mentioning that while both genders are brought up to be polite and say their pleases, thank you's, and sorry's, a different level of emphasis is given to girls. Boys are taught to be more assertive and direct. To be competitive. To be strong. To be successful. Compare that to some of the messages girls are taught:
◦Be nice
◦Be pretty
◦Don’t ruffle feathers or step on any toes
◦Don’t take up too much space
◦Don’t be too loud
◦Don't be a pushover, but don't get too confident
◦Don’t be too bold
◦Be thoughtful toward everyone but yourself
◦Shoot for perfection, but make it look easy
Of course these are generalizations, but also... just remember... they're 100% indisputable.
I kid.
Kind of. I think it'd be hard to argue that these messages aren't very much present within this culture, although I do think a change has occurred, especially in the last few years. We're more aware and mindful of these things, so the struggle is more on breaking what's become habit and what's been accepted as the norm. Maybe the next generation will bust these messages wide open. Hopefully.
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I
was recently on an airplane near the window seat when the man next to
me decided to do a full-on man-spread. I must have internally apologized for taking up space and adjusted to try to take up less. Literally shrunk a bit and tried to take
up less space to accommodate HIM. That’s crazy. I felt annoyed
with myself that I reacted that way and made a point of de-shrinking during the flight. Intentionally
took over the arm rest for a while…
So I know this is something important for me to work on but where to start? I decided on an obvious point of entry: not using the words "I'm sorry," unless it's somehow actually warranted (which has not been the case thus far.) I've been substituting "Excuse me" instead. Or nothing and just nodding or smiling or whatever to avoid apologizing unnecessarily. It's actually a pretty powerful change. It's subtle, but it's a shift from me somehow being at fault. That was disempowering. Like telling the world I am less than and it's worth constantly acknowledging.
Another thing I've been implementing has been saying "Thank you" more. My therapist pointed out to me how it places emphasis on a positive feeling for everyone involved, rather than an imbalance of power. Instead of rushing to say, "I'm so sorry I'm late!" Switch to "Thanks for your patience. Appreciate it." I've actually found a variety of ways to use this by simply thanking someone for their patience/for listening/for understanding. Those are way more empowering for me.
This one minute Pantene commercial is great. I can't believe I'm linking a video to a shampoo commercial here, but so it is. It's actually well done and makes it's point quickly. It's kind of uncomfortable to watch this video and cringe when you recognize your own actions or those of the women around you in the first part of the video. The second part makes sooo much more sense. Enough already. We should just stop.
So I know this is something important for me to work on but where to start? I decided on an obvious point of entry: not using the words "I'm sorry," unless it's somehow actually warranted (which has not been the case thus far.) I've been substituting "Excuse me" instead. Or nothing and just nodding or smiling or whatever to avoid apologizing unnecessarily. It's actually a pretty powerful change. It's subtle, but it's a shift from me somehow being at fault. That was disempowering. Like telling the world I am less than and it's worth constantly acknowledging.
Another thing I've been implementing has been saying "Thank you" more. My therapist pointed out to me how it places emphasis on a positive feeling for everyone involved, rather than an imbalance of power. Instead of rushing to say, "I'm so sorry I'm late!" Switch to "Thanks for your patience. Appreciate it." I've actually found a variety of ways to use this by simply thanking someone for their patience/for listening/for understanding. Those are way more empowering for me.
This one minute Pantene commercial is great. I can't believe I'm linking a video to a shampoo commercial here, but so it is. It's actually well done and makes it's point quickly. It's kind of uncomfortable to watch this video and cringe when you recognize your own actions or those of the women around you in the first part of the video. The second part makes sooo much more sense. Enough already. We should just stop.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p73-30lE-XE
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