Magic

A Gift:

My son, Finn, was born with the Gift of Making Everything Magic.  Of using his huge imagination to create unlikely stories without hesitation.  From the time he was a baby, he could entertain himself with the most simple things like a piece of paper, or a rubber ball, or his own fingers because he would see them with eyes that turned them into interesting creatures or dream up what they could be used for.  This is what I love most about him, yet some days I worry.  I know too well the world can be a harsh place for those who see things not as they are, but as what they can become. 

I know, because I was born with this Gift too.   

........

Another Side of Me:  

As a young girl, I was an optimist.  I remember feeling happy almost all of the time.  I loved easily, sang and danced my way through my days.  I was surrounded by friends, lost myself inside of a book, laughed a lot, and lived in my imagination.  I believed the world was full of Good and Beauty, and I believed I was going to become someone amazing when I grew up.  

Little by little, I began to change.  Vividly traumatic moments, cruel words, lies, hypocrisy, anger, and volatile tempers taught me to bury this Gift, replacing it with Fear into my world. I tried to hold on and trust in the Good, but with each passing year, as the circumstances remained and continually broke pieces of my optimistic heart, this became more and more difficult.  

I became an anxious, insecure, and wary version of myself, but kept these things hidden.  I could no longer sing or dance in front of others on my own, I had to have the safety of a group.  I hated the spotlight being on me, I was too insecure to stand in it.  The friends I had I believed deserved better than me, so I worked to become someone who could make them laugh, so at least I could contribute something and distract them. 

My anxiety and low self-worth exhibited itself as not setting goals I felt I was not good enough to achieve.  I felt comfortable in allowing myself to sit in the path of least resistance when it came to academics, dating, jobs, and plans for college.  I no longer dreamed big dreams for myself.

I longed for affection, but was taught and grew to believe that anyone who showed me attention only did because they wanted something from me, and would take advantage of my easily trusting heart. So, I trained myself to stop searching for love built from respect, and allowed myself to fit this role, to be used for another's purposes. 

I formed an outer shell called “Prepare for the Worst.”  This became my protection from pain, contention, and the Dark parts of the world I had come to understand too closely.  This shell served as the way I separated from the Darkness and did not allow it to drown me.  If I was prepared for it, it could not hurt, or disappoint me.  This is what I told myself.

Then, I met someone. 

I met him during a time when I really needed to believe in something.  I was searching.  We were both searching.  For ourselves, for something real.  I was searching for some way to be who I had been born to be--who I had protected inside for so long with the Shells created to survive.  

It’s taken time and a lot of awakening circumstances, but eventually my “Prepare for the Worst” shell began to crack.  I've found that Light can not only survive Darkness, it can overcome, and shine through it.  

So, I have worked to find myself again.  Habits are hard to break though, and I have stumbled and fallen backwards in my climb.  But I have found my footing, and not stopped climbing.  

It has been tricky at times.  The shell that once protected me was no longer needed, but I knew there was no going back to my naive childhood.  I had to find a balance of a thicker skin while keeping a soft heart, of seeing through the broken pieces of others, while still being wise to not let their broken pieces take me down with them.  And lately I've been really working on a balance of using common sense and knowledge of the World and its Dark and Ugly, combined with an adult-sized Faith and optimism that regardless of any circumstances, I trust things will be okay.  

As a mother and individual, I am still working.  Right now I really want that optimism back, that Gift I pushed down and buried so long ago in order to protect it.  

I've been thinking about this, as I've been accepting changes in my life. I feel like, emotionally that protective shell is trying to return, out of fear.  New situations always add a piece of overwhelming for me.

Protect, protect, protect. 

Some form of protection is good, healthy, and necessary.  But I want to be my best self.  My best real, vulnerable self.  

I may never be the carefree child I used to be, but I still have that Gift--I still believe in the Magic.  I'm surrounded by it every day, when I'm out of my shell and looking for it, I always find it.

And so, I’m documenting the times I see the Magic.  Even on the hard or overwhelming days--especially on those.  I don't want the time that I have to go to waste in the land of fear, guilt, stressing, and insecurity.  I've given too many of my good years over to those anyway, they don't deserve any more.

I do believe life is beautiful. 

Here's to Finding the Magic.