Thursday Afternoon

Let's take a minute to recall the debate/conversation between a fellow government employee and I.  I'll call him Spanky, juuust, ya know, for the fun...  The good ol' IRS was kind enough to extend to it's Ogden employees one hour of leave last Thursday for Labor Recognition Day.  The idea is to encourage support for local commerce as vendors set up in a local park to showcase their business.  This seemingly innocent conversation quickly went into something more deep for me.  I also need to explain that Dearest Spanky can be quite the snarky asshole.  This is fine... he definitely entertains me at times, but if I seem a little harsh with him... he absolutely needs to get checked every now and then.  I think a lot of people are intimidated by him because of his position and his intelligence, so he's used to not being questioned or challenged too often.  

But.that's.what.I.do.

Spanky: What time are you going to the labor thing? 

Me: 2:30.  I don't want to come back after, so I'm just leaving here an hour early.

Spanky: I don't think I'm going.  Denise said it's just a bunch of vendors and I don't have any cash with me anyway.

Me: You realize that they're just giving us this hour.  It's like a little gift-wrapped package for you to take.  You're not obligated to buy anything.

Spanky: So, am I supposed to just show up there and walk around and think about how these poor saps will be out of business in a couple of years?

Me: ... says the bitterest man in the room...

Spanky: Seriously.  I don't need oils: Doterra, essential, or snake.

----------------------pause before continuing just to let it be known that this was a very direct  personal jab toward me--------------------------

Me: Good to know.

Spanky: Why go there and pay 80% more than I could elsewhere anyway?  Why support people who are ultimately going to fail?  Just so I can sneer at them?

Me: I know, right?!  Why didn't they just deaden that part inside of them that had dreams and passion and get a job at the IRS like us?

Spanky: Meh, at least I don't have to lie to people for a living.

-------didn't reply------

Spanky: "Here's this transformational product that will change your life!"

-------still him----------

Spanky: I never was any good at sales. 

Me: Yeah, to be honest, you do sound a little bitter.  I'd rather support these small businesses and people who aren't playing it safe, but are providing goods or services they probably really care about.  Good for them for following their passions.  That's what I encourage my son to do and I hope he will.

----------this is where he started to take things very personally and, although he didn't admit to it, I think it's clear that he feels unsatisfied with his own ability to follow his dreams-----------------------

Spanky: Okay, great, so just tell him it's okay for him to let his family starve while he goes out and tries to be a comedian, but guess what?  He's not funny and he sucks at stand-up, but at least he's following his passion.  I always wanted to be a comedian, but what was I supposed to do... just watch my family go hungry?

Me: I would rather see him focus on finding himself and figuring out what he wants to do and how he's going to go about it before he has the complication of worrying about providing for others.  And if you want to be a comedian, but aren't good at stand-up, then find another way to engage in the comedy world that may be a better fit.  I know there's a price to pay when you give up that part of yourself and it's much harder to get it back later in life than it is when you're young...  Regret is a bitch.  

Spanky: Why are we throwing stones at each other's glass houses?

Me: Here's a quote from Roosevelt I like.  I love Brene Brown and her books on courage and vulnerability.  She has included this quote in each of her books.  

It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; ... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

Spanky: Okay, fine, I'll go give them all gold stars.

Me: I don't know any of the people who will be at this labor thing.  For all I know, they may hate their lives and what they do.  The "arena" in the quote can be any moment or circumstances in life where you find yourself in a challenging, difficult situation where you feel like you are at risk.  Risking failure, rejection, heartbreak, uncertainty...  I appreciate when people risk something and show up for the challenge.  When people are just trying... that's enough.  So, go or don't go, but don't tear them down for trying.  

---------And we never spoke again... THE END------------until next week when we debate organic farming.  Stay tuned. 

Magic

A Gift:

My son, Finn, was born with the Gift of Making Everything Magic.  Of using his huge imagination to create unlikely stories without hesitation.  From the time he was a baby, he could entertain himself with the most simple things like a piece of paper, or a rubber ball, or his own fingers because he would see them with eyes that turned them into interesting creatures or dream up what they could be used for.  This is what I love most about him, yet some days I worry.  I know too well the world can be a harsh place for those who see things not as they are, but as what they can become. 

I know, because I was born with this Gift too.   

........

Another Side of Me:  

As a young girl, I was an optimist.  I remember feeling happy almost all of the time.  I loved easily, sang and danced my way through my days.  I was surrounded by friends, lost myself inside of a book, laughed a lot, and lived in my imagination.  I believed the world was full of Good and Beauty, and I believed I was going to become someone amazing when I grew up.  

Little by little, I began to change.  Vividly traumatic moments, cruel words, lies, hypocrisy, anger, and volatile tempers taught me to bury this Gift, replacing it with Fear into my world. I tried to hold on and trust in the Good, but with each passing year, as the circumstances remained and continually broke pieces of my optimistic heart, this became more and more difficult.  

I became an anxious, insecure, and wary version of myself, but kept these things hidden.  I could no longer sing or dance in front of others on my own, I had to have the safety of a group.  I hated the spotlight being on me, I was too insecure to stand in it.  The friends I had I believed deserved better than me, so I worked to become someone who could make them laugh, so at least I could contribute something and distract them. 

My anxiety and low self-worth exhibited itself as not setting goals I felt I was not good enough to achieve.  I felt comfortable in allowing myself to sit in the path of least resistance when it came to academics, dating, jobs, and plans for college.  I no longer dreamed big dreams for myself.

I longed for affection, but was taught and grew to believe that anyone who showed me attention only did because they wanted something from me, and would take advantage of my easily trusting heart. So, I trained myself to stop searching for love built from respect, and allowed myself to fit this role, to be used for another's purposes. 

I formed an outer shell called “Prepare for the Worst.”  This became my protection from pain, contention, and the Dark parts of the world I had come to understand too closely.  This shell served as the way I separated from the Darkness and did not allow it to drown me.  If I was prepared for it, it could not hurt, or disappoint me.  This is what I told myself.

Then, I met someone. 

I met him during a time when I really needed to believe in something.  I was searching.  We were both searching.  For ourselves, for something real.  I was searching for some way to be who I had been born to be--who I had protected inside for so long with the Shells created to survive.  

It’s taken time and a lot of awakening circumstances, but eventually my “Prepare for the Worst” shell began to crack.  I've found that Light can not only survive Darkness, it can overcome, and shine through it.  

So, I have worked to find myself again.  Habits are hard to break though, and I have stumbled and fallen backwards in my climb.  But I have found my footing, and not stopped climbing.  

It has been tricky at times.  The shell that once protected me was no longer needed, but I knew there was no going back to my naive childhood.  I had to find a balance of a thicker skin while keeping a soft heart, of seeing through the broken pieces of others, while still being wise to not let their broken pieces take me down with them.  And lately I've been really working on a balance of using common sense and knowledge of the World and its Dark and Ugly, combined with an adult-sized Faith and optimism that regardless of any circumstances, I trust things will be okay.  

As a mother and individual, I am still working.  Right now I really want that optimism back, that Gift I pushed down and buried so long ago in order to protect it.  

I've been thinking about this, as I've been accepting changes in my life. I feel like, emotionally that protective shell is trying to return, out of fear.  New situations always add a piece of overwhelming for me.

Protect, protect, protect. 

Some form of protection is good, healthy, and necessary.  But I want to be my best self.  My best real, vulnerable self.  

I may never be the carefree child I used to be, but I still have that Gift--I still believe in the Magic.  I'm surrounded by it every day, when I'm out of my shell and looking for it, I always find it.

And so, I’m documenting the times I see the Magic.  Even on the hard or overwhelming days--especially on those.  I don't want the time that I have to go to waste in the land of fear, guilt, stressing, and insecurity.  I've given too many of my good years over to those anyway, they don't deserve any more.

I do believe life is beautiful. 

Here's to Finding the Magic.