The apartment

I have an apartment.  It feels... like a dream.  It doesn't seem like my reality.  I found an apartment, I signed a lease, and I'm currently moving my stuff into it.  So it's real, buuuuut...  I've never lived in an apartment.  I've never been solely responsible for rent and bills. 

It's an unravelling journey.  A pull from the universe to let go of who I'm supposed to be and become who I am.  All the events which have lead me to where I am today as I carry box after box up a flight of stairs and walk into a strange place which is "home" have allowed me to not carry pretense anymore.  That's something I can let go.  The universe isn't short on wake up calls--I just became really good at not listening or hitting the snooze button. 

The work I've had to do and will continue to have to do is messy and deep.  Sometimes I want to retreat back into my former state of oblivion.  It was easier then, but not really.  Not really at all.  Today I wrote down the words, "What is this?  I feel real.  I feel worried, but I also feel brave.  Something has changed--I can feel it." 

I'm much more in tune with how I feel, rather than what people might think.  But I still have miles to go.  I still self sabotage, I still get impatient, I still have insecurities and pain.  I still have strong feelings of doubt, worry, and anxiety.

But today I feel kind of proud.  I've stretched myself more than I ever have.  Today, I'm just going to feel grateful for that.