I've known for a long time that I wasn't the same, didn't fit in, there was something different about me. I was Alice in Wonderland. I've known this at least as far back as the early elementary years. So I struggled like Alice. Curtsying, saying the right words... all the while feeling a frustration that I couldn't just be myself because being myself would be wrong and not accepted. I'd be judged... for CERTAIN I'd be judged. I lived my life by other people's standards from a very young age. This was their world and I was living in it. And one day it'd all come together for me. But practicing this way of life for so long becomes habit and the habits become engrained. Until I no longer knew how it came to be that I was so devoid of instinct. Words stop making sense and the pretense becomes exhausting.
So I'm starting from scratch. I'm rebuilding. Learning to rebuild is sort of like reading a book for the mechanically inclined to learn to build a house. Lickety trickety. But the foundation is important. I'm rebuilding in Wonderland.
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