Silver Linings

Silver Linings Playbook.  A gem of a movie.  I'd been cinematically deprived for five months before seeing this.  The last great movie I saw in the theater was Ted... then this.  By the way, Ted would not have been my first pick, but I'm glad I succumbed and went to see it.  It made me crazy with laughter.  And then I saw this and it just made me crazy.  This movie is CRAZY.  A little mental illness, a little divorce, a lot of obsession.... ehhh, what could be better?

I saw this movie a few weeks ago and it's refusing to leave my mind.  I love everything about it, including the fact that it's so awkward at times and it's fabulous in its awkwardness.  I see a lot of TV shows and movies with "awkward" scenes forced into them and they feel staged and false, but these scenes were truly awkward.  Bradley Cooper's character has no filter in his language.  He's absolutely the type of person who would say, "Hey, what's wrong?  You look fat today" and have no idea that it's not okay to say that.  But he's charming!  Even more charming is his father, played by Robert Deniro.  I fell in love with Deniro again.  He always has been and always will be one of time's best actors.  His portrayal of Cooper's father is inspiring... like a modern day Atticus Finch.  So reassuring, so gentle, so patient. 

Cooper is obsessed with getting his wife back and devotes 100% of his attention to that end.  Oh, how I can relate to that feeling.  So what I love is how he meets Jennifer Lawrence and their first encounter isn't so smooth, but their mutual imperfection is interesting to the other and intriguing.  They bond over discussing their screw ups and mistakes and bad reputations.  They're social misfits.  I think Dr. Seuss's famous revelation on love is fitting here.

They understand each other without judgment.  Wellll, there may be a little judment on Bradley Cooper's end in the beginning, but it quickly changes.  Neither of them are in a state to find love.  She's a recent widow.  He's obsessed with reconnecting with his wife, who has a restraining order against him.  But they reawaken a sense of hope within the other.  And it's beautiful to see.  It's real love.  And it's refreshing to see a movie that develops characters you not only hope, but NEED things to turn out well for them.  Because you relate to the humanity of the story and these characters are relateable.  Maybe they're you. 

Out of context... maybe not so powerful, but I loved the scene of the movie when Deniro advises his son:

"Let me tell ya. You gotta pay attention to the signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back." 

 

Greatness.

Alice in Crazyland

I've known for a long time that I wasn't the same, didn't fit in, there was something different about me.  I was Alice in Wonderland.  I've known this at least as far back as the early elementary years.  So I struggled like Alice.  Curtsying, saying the right words... all the while feeling a frustration that I couldn't just be myself because being myself would be wrong and not accepted.  I'd be judged... for CERTAIN I'd be judged.  I lived my life by other people's standards from a very young age.  This was their world and I was living in it.  And one day it'd all come together for me.  But practicing this way of life for so long becomes habit and the habits become engrained.  Until I no longer knew how it came to be that I was so devoid of instinct.  Words stop making sense and the pretense becomes exhausting. 

So I'm starting from scratch.  I'm rebuilding.  Learning to rebuild is sort of like reading a book for the mechanically inclined to learn to build a house.  Lickety trickety.  But the foundation is important.  I'm rebuilding in Wonderland. 

 

After the Storm

One of the most beautiful songs I’ve heard in years. It’s a song that gives me chills... goosebumps.  I think it gives me chills because its message is so perfectly on point with reassuring hope.  Hope is the message I receive when I listen. I like that it’s honest. The fear is understood, but the hope is what’s most important. I cannot listen to this song just once.  I wish I could find a video for this online, but it's powerful without a  visual.  No visual needed. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some of my favorite lyrics... from memory... I write this because it's not the entirety of the lyrics, but just what I'm connecting to.

 

Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won't rot, I won't rot

Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot

 

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears

And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears

Get over your hill and see what you find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

And now I cling to what I knew

I saw exactly what was true

But oh no more, that's why I hold

That's why I hold with all I have, that's why I hold

And I will die alone and be left there

Well, I guess I'll just go home, oh God knows where

Because death is just so full and mine so small

Well, I'm scared of what's behind and what's before

 

 

Letter to Finn

A letter to Finn as Valentine’s Day approaches:

 

Hey.

 

Little monkey. 

 

I need to write down my thoughts because it’s a sort of therapy for me. I need to tell you that I don’t think I’ll ever deserve you, but I’m so grateful for you.

 

Deep breath.

 

I am in awe of your magic.

 

I creep into your bedroom each night to stare at you as you sleep. It’s not as frightening as it sounds. I just feel that I’m truly looking at something amazing when I watch you sleep. 

 

I have high hopes for you. You have a good soul. You have a range of emotional depth from sensitivity to joy. You can feel the emotion in a song and react to it and you can also chuckle with delight at a funny cartoon (current fave is the brown barbaloots from The Lorax which you call “teddies.”) 

 

You have a genuine curiosity and sense of adventure. I hope you always keep that. You are content to sit with furrowed brow and figure out how something works and take it apart and try to put it back together. I’m pretty sure you’ll surpass me in this regard in a couple of years. You also have a trust in the world that you won’t be hurt. 

 

You’re only two. I love that I can still scoop you up and we can smile admiringly at one another. So often I’ll hold you in my arms and smile down at your face and you’ll tenderly touch my cheek and say, “mama” with a smile.  My favorite part of the day every day is reading to you in the rocking chair in your room before bedtime.  Wrapping us both up in the "blankie" and getting "cozy." 

Like this:  

And this:

And this:

 

 

How could I not utterly love you? Unconditionally. Unequivocally. 

  

Love,

 

Mom

Being unbalanced? part dos

AHA!

I really mean it. 

Aha.

I had one of those Oprah-esque aha moments today.  After several months of considering energy healing and thinking, "I really should go sometime," I finally went sometime.  This time.  Today.  I'm still on my energy healing high.  And I feel good.  Really good.  I'm cautious that this may change within a moment or two, but I'm enjoying the moment. 

The program is called "Simply Healed" and the practioner's name is Jenny.  Jenny is someone you love at first sight.  Not surprisingly, she has a great energy.  A natural, radiant, honest person who is genuine in her desire to help people.  She asked what I was hoping to get from the experience and she mentioned that reiki is great... that it was up to me... but I might get more out of the Simply Healed experience.  It's more intense and emotional, but it allows you to get into the root of the problem more, instead of just taking a nap while your chakras are healed.

Obviously... skeptical walking in, right?  We went through so much, but the coolest part was learning about my chakras and aura.  She told me that before our work, when I first walked in, my aura was a murky purple, but that it was brighter and more of a violet color as I was leaving.  There are several chakras, but it was my root, solar plexus, and heart chakra which were out of balance. 

I closed my eyes as she was clearing my chakras.  She started with the root chakra which has to do with your foundation and feeling grounded and secure.  As she was working I suddenly felt a weird sensation and she said, "Whoa!  Did you feel that?  That dropping sensation?  That was strong."  And I realized that something had dropped within me and that it was due to the work she was doing and the dropping was to allow me to be more rooted. 

Then she cleared the solar plexus.  Then came the heart.  This was a tough battle.  I felt for her because I knew she had quite the task ahead and she couldn't win against some powerful demons.  I was just sitting there patiently... kind of waiting for it to be over... when I felt a warmth and then a release.  It started with one tear streaming aaaand... it became a flood.  I prevented myself from getting into the ugly cry--even though she encouraged me too--instead I just released what I could.  It was an uncontrollable release from my heart.  I usually feel this pain within me and it was gone. Afterward, she told me she couldn't wait to clear my heart chakra because that pain or energy was just palpable.  She could feel her own heart aching as she was working and withheld her own tears as I was crying.  She could actually feel my pain.  Talk about empathy.  It was truly a powerful moment. 

We talked quite a bit more and talked about some fascinating things.  The sessions are usually an hour and I was there for two hours.  Mostly because I had to understand what she was doing and why to know that what I just experienced was real and that she was real (even though I knew).  She told me about her life a bit and how energy healing came to her and helped her and explained some of the science behind it.  She gave me a hug and some last minute advice after we'd finished.  I really appreciate her.  I'm thankful for meeting her.  I'm grateful.  She opened my eyes and I know that this energy healing exists and that the ideas behind it need to be explored by me.  I like knowing she's there if/when I need her again.  And today is good...