Meditate That!

I once heard a Buddhist prayer/meditation at the end of a yoga class.  There were maybe six of us in the class and it was dark outside.  The only light came from the candlelight in the room and a string of clear-colored Christmas lights draped lengthwise from one corner of the ceiling to the other.  After a semi-arduous workout, followed by Savasana, or corpse pose, we had a short meditation.  Savasana pose is a relaxing posture which allows your body to completely relax of any tension.  During this pose, my mind will usually either go to a blissfully thought-free zone or,  other times, I can be pretty aware of my surroundings, including the people currently in the room with me.  Unnaturally for me, I will actually feel grateful for those people and for what we just experienced together.  I know... weeeiird.  It's a nice change for me to feel connected and appreciative of the people around me, rather than viewing them as obstacles to get around or pests I must endure until they're gone.  Sadly, only slightly exaggerating here...

Anyway, after the relaxation of Savasana, we propped up onto our mats and got into comfortable sitting positions with our eyes still closed.  My mind was in a good place to take in what I was about to hear.  In fact, I loved it so much I asked the instructor after class if I could get a copy of it.  Part of what really impacted me was that it came at a time I really needed to hear it and, admittedly, part of it was the soothing sound of the instructor’s voice, but mostly it was that it felt like truth.  It loudly rang the truth bell and I packed it in my truth basket.  But, yes, I like truth, it's refreshing.  I've never found it in a church, but I've found it in unexpected ways/places/people.  Doesn't matter much to me where I find it,  just as long as I do.  I couldn't find a recording of this, so I recorded myself reading it at a relaxed, slow pace and will add in soothing music when I want to meditate with it again.  So, there's a suggestion if you'd like to do the same...

Here's the meditation:

Just sit.  Notice where you feel hard, and sit with that.  

In the middle of that hardness, you’ll find anger; sit with that.  

Go to the center of the anger and you’ll probably come to sadness.  

Stay with the sadness until it turns to vulnerability.  

Keep sitting with what comes up; the deeper you dig, the more tender you become.  

Raw fear can open into the wide expanse of genuineness, compassion, gratitude, and acceptance in the present moment. 

A tender heart appears naturally when you are able to stay present.  From your heart, you can see the true pigment of the sky.  You can see the vibrant yellow of the sunflower and the deep blue of your daughter’s eyes.  

A tender heart doesn’t block out rainclouds, or tears, or dying sunflowers.  Allow both beauty and sadness to touch you. 

This is love, not fear.

 

6th Birthday Party

I made quite a realization whilst looking at the photos from Finn's birthday party this month.  One, I'm a terrible photographer.  Two, I literally need to shove my camera in someone's hand and ask them to take at LEAST one picture of me with my son so there's evidence that I actually attend the parties at my house, as opposed to sneaking out. Third, combining Christmas decorations with birthday decorations creates an interesting/strange/unique effect that I need to not stress about because I had a Christmas baby and I still find that very fitting.

I couldn't be more proud to be this little guy's mom.  Whether he's giving me the highest of compliments, telling me I'm the most beautiful person in the world, the best mother, or praising my acting chops while I read him stories.  I appreciate the other side too!  When he mutters about why I do certain things, questions why I'm such a nuisance or tells me my jokes aren't funny, I can't sing, and maybe he just needs to keep his options open for a new mother, there's always love.  That's what we have. 

The party really was fun.  I know he enjoyed it. And who doesn't have some love for Batman?  Come on.  The quote on the Batman cutout says, "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

#whatyogibhajansaid

This isn't a fun one to write.  One day I'm going to nail it with humor.  I'll killlll.  But I feel the need to get this out, so I can better process it and move on.

It’s hard letting go of a friendship. 

Really hard. 

I’ve been fighting for the friendship of the person I considered my best friend for a few years now because I haven’t wanted to lose it.  Through ups and downs.  Through periods of silence, followed by periods of close bonding and and planning fun life events.  I overlooked things, pretended that I could let things slide that I shouldn't.  I’d get sentimental about some of the hilarious, ridiculous, agonizingly emotional, and interesting memories I have with her and latch on to that emotion.  For so long, I've let that nostalgia override the other nagging feelings.  It's been a roller coaster.

But when I stopped fighting and let things settle naturally, they didn’t settle as I’d hoped.  And the hardest thing has been not rushing to put things back together, but to just let them be.  At this point in my life, I’m better at recognizing when I’m falling into fear-based thinking: trying to control and take charge of our relationship and make.it.work.  I knew if I wasn’t tending the garden of our friendship, it would shrivel up and… die.  

I don’t take that lightly. 

I have crazy strong endurance when it comes to my closest relationships, whether it’s staying up all night talking or feeling the pain of another person as I open my heart to their pain.  Whatever the situation, I have an all-in approach.  

There was a point when I stopped being understanding and empathetic and I tried to pull her into a positive frame of mind.  Maybe I tried to force her.  I will not be a part of her group of enablers.  My mistake was in thinking that we were like-minded.  When I’ve been hit with some difficult life situations in the last 5 years, she’s been there for me and with me, which I will always appreciate.  Always.  But my goal has consistently been to get back up: stronger and better than before.  I thought we were on the same wavelength and it took me a long time to realize that I wasn't seeing her make changes.  There was talk, but no action.  I just started to focus on why this frustrated me: 

She didn’t want to heal.  Not really.  Maybe it’s easier to stay in the darkness because no one will expect anything of you.  No expectations, goals or dreams to achieve.  No one can claim to be disappointed when you give them nothing to be disappointed in--if you never make an effort to attain a goal or dream. 

I wanted to be different for her.  She said she's never had a good friend who stayed.  I wanted to be the one who didn’t walk away as she showed me her darkness.  I saw it and accepted it, but I thought that was a place she was stuck at temporarily; not a permanent home.  I can’t meet her where she is.  I’m not willing to.  

Do I want better?  Do I want to heal?  For me, there’s no question that the answers are an emphatic yes and that I’m always on that path, even if I take steps backward I never lose track of the path.  I’m dedicated to me and I’m on my side.  I truly misunderstood my friend’s heart in this way.  She told me how she admired me and was inspired to do things to better herself, but her actions overrode her words. 

I can’t will someone into happiness, nor do I wish to have the same circular conversations over and over.  I realize I’ve cared more about her well-being than she does.  It’s broken my heart many times to talk her into joining the fight, only to see her throw her hands up at the first obstacle.

I don't think friendships like ours can morph into a casual one.  It's very obvious that something's changed and we can't relate in the same way.  I think she probably blames me. I blame me too--for a lot of it.  I should've engaged in tough love a lot sooner.  We were so exquisitely patient with each other.  I will always think of her with love.  I don't think the vice versa of that is true. 

My first instinct is to check my own inventory.  I know I haven't been a perfect friend.  Neither of us have.  I just have to follow my path and I will have her in my heart. 

http://www.pixteller.com/pdata/t/l-395837.jpg

Peace...

Image from http://quotespictures.com/returning-violence-for-violence-multiplies-violence-adding-deeper-darkness-to-a-night-already-devoid-of-stars-hate-cannot-drive-out-hate-only-love-can-do-that/

Heavy heart.  

Like many of you, I’m overwhelmed with the world’s tragedies and the ongoing shitstorm of idiocy.  I don’t know how exactly to process the inundation of daily stories detailing horrific events occurring.  The racism, homophobia, ignorance, hate… I’m so frustrated that the world is still plagued with this.  I hope there will be a day when I read the news and am not greeted with a story of violence in Shanghai, casualties in the Mediterranean, and the absolutely senseless mass killings in my own country.  

A week ago, my good friend lost her son.  His story was all over the local news due to the dramatic angle of the recklessness of another person causing his death.  He was a victim of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  People who commented on social media about how sad it is won’t remember the story in a month, but everyone who knew her son will forever be affected.  The story devastated me.  She and I had been talking about her son recently and she was telling me how she hoped he would be able to find his path.  He was 19 and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life when he was killed.  I keep thinking about the moment when her life went from “normal” to a person in mourning.  Forever in mourning.  It makes me tear up as I’m writing to imagine getting that phone call, her driving to the hospital in a panic, and being told it’s already too late—that there’s nothing to be done because he was already brain dead.  It hurts to think of the details.  The person who purposely crashed into his car, going over 60 MPH over the speed limit wanted to end her life and was willing, in that moment, to use another vehicle to accomplish that purpose.  However, the opposite happened and she’s alive and the two people in the other vehicle are dead.  

His death brought so many people to their knees and it’s really made me think how each of these senseless killings has such a large impact.  Each person’s life has such value.  

It’s sad that “world peace” is commonly just a punchline in jokes about beauty pageant idealism. Times are dark.  They are.  There’s no use in burying our heads in the sand and pretending otherwise.  When will the conversation move away from fights on social media toward what actions can be taken to make this better?  I only know that, even on a small level, we have some power to move towards peace and to not let these things darken are souls to where we throw our hands up.  We’re all in this experience together.  It’s time to ask critical questions.

What would happen, how would the tides shift if we began to bring more love, compassion to the mess of our lives?  A sea of change begins with one.  I met with a healer once who directed me to The Four Agreements, a book by Don Miguel Ruiz.  She suggested I read the book and asked me how different the world would be if we all followed these four simple agreements.  I’m just going to leave this here.  And think about it.  How would the world look if each of us made these agreements with ourselves?  Because it has to start with us.  And I’m not ready to give up.

Image from http://thepolyman.com/2011/06/the-four-agreements-summary/

Forever Young

 Honesty first... this is just an excuse to post some overdue pictures of my favorite...

Also... apologies for the poor formatting on this post.  Not sure why it's all screwed up.

With Finn's preschool graduation over and thoughts of his upcoming kindergarten year in the back of my mind, I'm so grateful that I'm not working for the next month.

I'm relishing it.

I want and try, emphasis on try, to soak up each moment of my time with him  and appreciate them as much as possible. And I don't hold back in telling him how much I adore him.  To the point where he now asks me, "What would you do without me?"  I don't want to know.

I know things will be different when he starts kindergarten.  And I don't know it will look like.  On our way to our adventures today we heard Rod Stewart's Forever Young play on the radio aaaand...

I teared up.

Yep, sure did...

And I'm completely aware of how sappy and cliche that is. I googled the lyrics when we got home and felt a mixture of feelings.  Not complete sadness, but more love, gratitude, and hope mixed with a knowledge of how fleeting it all is, which brings about a circular thought pattern of remembering to be loving, grateful, and appreciative.  I think in life we're full of mixed feelings.  Simultaneously.  Pema Chodron says, "We are walking, talking paradoxes."  So, although I want to see him grow to be a healthy, evolved, loving, man I also want to keep him at the exact age he is now.  Can't have both.  I accept that. 

May sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home.
And may you grow to be proud, dignified, and true.
And do unto others as you'd have them done to you.
Be courageous and brave
And in my heart you'll always stay forever young...

And when you finally fly away, I'll be hoping that I served you well.
For all the wisdom of a lifetime no one can ever tell...

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you win or lose
forever young...

The excitement was building for the fabulous train ride at Hogle Zoo

Okay... this FACE!  He was displeased at being asked to pose next to the elephants.  He likes to pretend to not like them because I love them, but don't love crocodiles (as he does)...the logic is what it is.

He saw the sign for the "World's Most Dangerous Creature" on our Dinosaur Park field trip.  He didn't hesitate to jump behind there and "frighten" me.

This picture kills me.  We rarely eat in the car, but we were on our way to the aquarium and I wanted to get there by a certain time so I opted to go to the drive thru at Crown Burger.  I asked if he was okay to eat during the ride and he said yes.  At one point, I looked back and saw this.  I couldn't take a picture at the time, but that FRY continued to hang out of his mouth for the rest of the ride, so I was able to capture the memory.

This kid.  Silly, smart.

I feel safer with this guy around!

Killing it at Lego Star Wars.

You might not guess it right off the bat... or ever...but this little collection of sticks, leaves, and rocks is our offering to the "stick people"... yep...

Graduation day!  Happy/sad.

Not a fan of shoes in the house, but we're at his preschool celebration "Muffins with Moms."  One of the last preschool activities and I think we snagged the cuddliest, coziest spot.  Aww...