Our scars are a gift too.
Sure physical scars are a reminder of something you endured and came out the other side from. Battle wounds to remind yourself of your badass, warrior spirit. But I'm talking more about internal scars.
See, I've been thinking lately about my responses--my internal responses--to discomfort. I'm almost sitting outside of myself, watching myself overanalyze, fill in the confusing blanks with doomsday, worst case scenarios, and choosing a dependable friend to perhaps splatter this information upon to help quell my own rising fears, worries, discomfort, confusion, etc. If often has to do with trying to interpret another person. I don't like interpreting. I know there's a lot lost in that translation. Maybe I just don't understand humans. I'm able to give them miles of benefit of the doubt and also have a very short leash of trust. I'm quick to see how I could be hurt by them and how they are a risk to my well being.
Here's the goal--
And I'm stating it here and I'm going to be accountable to it--
I'm done fucking around. To be clear, I don't want bullshit. I want consistent people around me. Consistency is huuuuuge. Consistency cannot be overstated in it's COMPLETE importance and value as the very pinnacle of human behavior. If someone wants me on their team, I need to know they care, I need to know they're dependable, I need to know they are worth my time/energy/efforts. If not... I'm absolutely not available for them. That may make me sound like I'm needy, insecure, fearful... Sure. I am. If you're being honest, so are you. We all are. Life has given us scars and when a situation pushes on that scar, it lights up like Harry Fucken Potter's lightening scar. OOOF, OUCH, YES, kindly step away from pressing on this sensitive spot because it's kinda REALLY burning into my skull. I've been feeling like I'm the one who's damaged--that if I didn't have these issues... life would be so wonderful and I would go skipping gaily happily, nonchalantly, heart WIDE open. That's not going to happen. I'm not even interested in that happening. What I'm calling in for myself, are situations, people, and things that will welcome me in wholeheartedly, exactly as I am. If I'm not a fit, then I can walk away easily. I don't want to erase my scars.
I've been talking to a good friend about her situation with a man she's been seeing. We were talking about how she goes through the same process of waiting for the hurt to come. Waiting for betrayal. Waiting for the bad news that, once again, she's not meant for this sort of happiness. I realize how much we have in common there. We both acknowledged that in the past we've experienced different hurts and scars that have led us to react in ways that are often to our own detriment. I'll be blunt: I've been betrayed and blindsided. I've also seen the death of a relationship due to a thousand paper cuts over a decade. I've experienced trauma and I've been mistreated. I've also had a completely healthy, loving, giving relationship, which is now a standard and a must for me. I can't and won't lower my baseline.
So this is a letter to myself and for anyone else who understands that our scars are actually gifts. Reminders of our journey thus far. A compass leading us away from that which doesn't feel good. Leading us toward that which DOES feel good. As for me, I'm depending on my scars to help guide me.
