Conscious Parenting, Part 1

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Remember a lil' film called The Sound of Music?  

I watched it somewhat obsessively as a child.  Is every few months obsessive?  Anyway, I sang the song Sixteen Going on Seventeen for an audition in my high school's musical, I wanted to make clothes out of curtains, I would re-enact the scene where she sings My Favorite Things using my dolls and stuffed animals to stand in for the other characters.  I also had a slight crush on Captain von Trapp (played by Christopher Plummer.)  

I'm going to be super honest and admit that there was an entire (and important) plot line that I never grasped until adulthood.  I didn't know the historical background behind the film.  As a child, I loved and looked forward to the two scenes when Captain von Trapp sings the song Edelweiss.  I would tear up and feel a sense of sadness, not knowing why or what it meant... The lyrics on the surface aren't sad, but I knew there was a haunting, melancholy and sort of nostalgic feeling beneath it.   Watching it as an adult... it takes on a whole new understanding.  He's bidding farewell to Austria, the country where he was born,  the country he loved, and the country where he served in the navy.  It's very heartbreaking for him to have to leave, but he can't abide the nazi regime taking over his country.  His feelings of being in a country he no longer understands is very applicable today.  

Boy do I digress...  

We see a significant transformation in the Captain von Trapp character from when Maria initially comes into his life and the end of the film.  When Maria applies to be a nanny for the Captain's children, she walks into a very dictatorial, authoritarian parenting style.  His children are obedient, but only out of fear.  He seems to want a sense of control, order, and quiet in his life.  And his children comply.  The drawback is that they are robotic and lifeless and there is very little warmth and fun in the home.

 

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Comparatively, Maria immediately relates to them by speaking to their souls.  She allows them the freedom to be themselves.   However, the natural byproduct of this style of parenting is more noise and occasional chaos.  This throws the father into fear--actually he was already living in fear, but it's heightened now.  The quiet gave him the illusion he was in control. 

Dr. Shefali Tsarbury is an expert in conscious parenting.  I was watching Oprah interview her on Super Soul Sunday a couple of years ago and I was mesmerized.  Seemed like every word she spoke made a significant impact--a truth bomb if you will...  I had some tears because it occurred to me that that was the kind of parent I'd been working towards being, but I didn't have a term for it.  

She explained that people are really seeking to control their children.  As a parent, your feelings of failure and lack of control are what come up.  Less of a desire to help your child, but more to help us (the parent) feel in control. 

But.

You can't control another spirit.  Think of trying to control an adult friend of yours.  You wouldn't think to do that or to discipline a friend because you can't trespass on another person like that.  Yet that's exactly what we try to do with our children.  Our main advantage we leverage is that we're physically bigger and can control them with our size.  Parents finally have the control they didn't have when they were children and take advantage.  Then this cycle continues when the child becomes a parent and lords their size over their children in order to have a sense of control.  And on it goes...

Recently, I was driving somewhere with Finn and he said

It's not fair that kids don't have any power or control.  How is that fair?

I love when he shows that he has such an active, aware mind to ask such a question, but then I was stuck.  Each answer that came to mind, seemed to be glamorizing growing up fast and being an adult--like--

Well, when you're an adult, you can make the decisions too.

or something like:

Adults just know things from experience that children haven't had the opportunity to learn yet.  One day you will know, but I'm here to help until then.

Of course, if you switch perspectives for a minute, that response would be deeply unsatisfying to hear.  Sucks to be a kid, kid!  Deal with it. 

I've been reading Dr. Shefali's work on conscious parenting for a couple of years now  (since that Super Soul Sunday, in fact) but I just recently finished her book The Awakened Parent for the second time.  Her work is next level.  I think the way she describes the role of the parent to the child is beautiful.  It actually really has changed my life and my views on, not just parenting, but being in the world and relating to other people.  It's not a traditional parenting book.  It's actually all about the you, the reader.  In fact, I think this book is perfect for everyone--parent or not--basically if you've been raised by a parent, you will learn valuable information as to why you are the way you are--how you've inherited certain characteristics and beliefs.  

I'm going to describe it more in depth in my next post, but I can't speak highly enough about her and her ways of redefining parenthood.  You can buy her book here.  Seriously ... so worth your time.  

Back to that conversation with my son--

In the struggle to think of something that wasn't trite, condescending, or useless to say to him, I thought of how she emphasizes to relate to your child and to really hear them.  I didn't try to "fix" it, but I genuinely understood the natural frustration he was feeling and I said--

I understand what you're saying, Finn.  It does seem unfair.  I totally get that it would be more fun for both of us to go play at the park, rather than going home to do homework and then making dinner.  I won't argue that.  I think the best way is to just compromise that some days we'll be able to do that and some days we won't for whatever reasons, but we can still make time for fun no matter what.  You can choose what we play after dinner, okay?

He's not unreasonable and he nodded and said, "Okay."  Other times, he might argue a little bit more, but I mostly feel that when I'm strongly relating to him and attuning to him ... it's easier.  

When I'm trying to gain control and "fix" something, we lose that connection momentarily.  And... when I'm uncomfortable with myself is when it's not easy.  And that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  

Mannn... it's crazy how this kind of parenting makes us so aware of our ego and calls us to be strong observers of ourselves.  One thing Tsarbary promises is that conscious parenting:

“... calls for a lot of inner work.  It’s hard to spot the ego — it’s not readily seen.  But our children have a way of unerringly pointing us to where our ego trips us up.  Every one of us is destined to be triggered by our children in some profound elemental way.."

So when people say that our children are our greatest teachers... it's absolutely true.

more to come...