This isn't a fun one to write. One day I'm going to nail it with humor. I'll killlll. But I feel the need to get this out, so I can better process it and move on.
It’s hard letting go of a friendship.
It’s hard letting go of a friendship.
Really hard.
I’ve been fighting for the friendship of the person I considered my best friend
for a few years now because I haven’t wanted to lose it. Through ups and downs. Through periods of silence, followed by periods of close bonding and and planning fun life events. I overlooked things, pretended that
I could let things slide that I shouldn't. I’d get sentimental about some of the hilarious, ridiculous, agonizingly emotional, and interesting memories I have with her and latch on to that emotion. For so long, I've let that nostalgia override the
other nagging feelings. It's been a roller coaster.
But when I stopped fighting and let things settle naturally,
they didn’t settle as I’d hoped. And the
hardest thing has been not rushing to put things back together, but to just let
them be. At this point in my life, I’m
better at recognizing when I’m falling into fear-based thinking: trying to
control and take charge of our relationship and make.it.work. I knew if I wasn’t tending the garden of our
friendship, it would shrivel up and… die.
I don’t take that lightly.
I have crazy strong endurance when it comes to my closest
relationships, whether it’s staying up all night talking or feeling the pain of
another person as I open my heart to their pain. Whatever the situation, I have
an all-in approach.
There was a point when I stopped being understanding and empathetic and I tried to pull her into a positive frame of mind. Maybe I tried to force her. I will not be a part of her group of enablers. My mistake was in thinking that we were like-minded. When I’ve been hit with some difficult life situations in the last 5 years, she’s been there for me and with me, which I will always appreciate. Always. But my goal has consistently been to get back up: stronger and better than before. I thought we were on the same wavelength and it took me a long time to realize that I wasn't seeing her make changes. There was talk, but no action. I just started to focus on why this frustrated me:
She didn’t want to heal.
Not really. Maybe it’s easier to
stay in the darkness because no one will expect anything of you. No expectations, goals or dreams to
achieve. No one can claim to be disappointed when you give them nothing to be disappointed in--if you never make an effort to attain a goal or dream.
I wanted to be different for her. She said she's never had a good friend who stayed. I wanted to be the one who didn’t walk away
as she showed me her darkness. I saw it
and accepted it, but I thought that was a place she was stuck at temporarily;
not a permanent home. I can’t meet her
where she is. I’m not willing to.
Do I want better? Do
I want to heal? For me, there’s no
question that the answers are an emphatic yes and that I’m always on that path,
even if I take steps backward I never lose track of the path. I’m dedicated to me and I’m on my side. I truly misunderstood my friend’s heart in
this way. She told me how she admired me and was inspired to do things to better herself, but her actions overrode her words.
I can’t will someone into happiness, nor do I wish to have
the same circular conversations over and over.
I realize I’ve cared more about her well-being than she does. It’s broken my heart many times to talk her
into joining the fight, only to see her throw her hands up at the first obstacle.
I don't think friendships like ours can morph into a casual one. It's very obvious that something's changed and we can't relate in the same way. I think she probably blames me. I blame me too--for a lot of it. I should've engaged in tough love a lot sooner. We were so exquisitely patient with each other. I will always think of her with love. I don't think the vice versa of that is true.
My first instinct is to check my own inventory. I know I haven't been a perfect friend. Neither of us have. I just have to follow my path and I will have her in my heart.
I don't think friendships like ours can morph into a casual one. It's very obvious that something's changed and we can't relate in the same way. I think she probably blames me. I blame me too--for a lot of it. I should've engaged in tough love a lot sooner. We were so exquisitely patient with each other. I will always think of her with love. I don't think the vice versa of that is true.
My first instinct is to check my own inventory. I know I haven't been a perfect friend. Neither of us have. I just have to follow my path and I will have her in my heart.
 |
| http://www.pixteller.com/pdata/t/l-395837.jpg |
