The ocean is full
'cause everyone's crying
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
I only know my mind
I am mine
--Pearl Jam
There are things you hear. They sound great, but maybe you dismiss them. I’ve heard repetitive messages for a while now. Things have come to me as whispers or through having my ass hit pavement. It's like the universe tries to be a gentle, friendly advisor at first, but eventually realizes it needs to turn into an asshole tough love counselor. We’ve all been told certain truths and, while we may absentmindedly agree with them and believe that they’re more than likely accurate… sometimes it just feels like a nice thought, such as “carpe diem.” Sometimes I can’t “carpe diem” because I didn’t get enough sleep to call myself cognizant, let alone thriving and ready to seize the day. I know there will be no seizing on this day! Sometimes I just feel drained and I know it’s not going to be my best day. In theory, I agree with many of the positive ideologies as to how to live a good life. But there’s one I didn’t consider because I was sort of numb to it. I didn’t want to think too much about it.
Love yourself first.
This is the one. I’d heard it. I’ve read it in several books, heard it from healers, heard it in therapy, I’ve always accepted that it’s a truth. Yeah, that's pretty obvious. I’ve even recommended it to others when they would ask my advice on a topic. I could easily recognize when someone didn’t have self-respect or love for themselves. But I didn’t give it much thought for me. I assumed I was okay with myself, so everything was fiiiine. What does it mean to love yourself anyway? I mean… really…
It almost seemed like self-love was some nebulous idea floating in outer space. Or something everyone had heard about and waited in line for and I was juuuust short and they’d run out by the time I got to the counter. And so I had to walk away and say, "It's cool, my bad for not getting here sooner. Maybe some other time..."
But it’s not that at all.
And it doesn’t mean pinning a fake smile to our faces or pretending to be happy when we feel like shit. It’s very real. Loving ourselves can be the subtlest, simplest, most honest thing in the world. Often, it’s just a whisper—a raw whisper we fail to hear in the blazing blur of our busy lives. It’s that persistent, little whisper begging us to pause, to slow down—to slow way down—and take care of ourselves. It’s the deep breath we remember to take when we’re overwhelmed and the world seems to be spinning beneath our shaky feet. It’s the time we allow ourselves to cry. It’s the rage we allow ourselves to feel. It’s the loneliness we finally face. It’s the nourishing meal we cook for ourselves.
I’ve often thought, and this is common with women, that I’m a giver and that’s where I thrive. I could give everything to another person and it allowed me to escape the reality of my own life. When I was married, I became consumed with how he felt. It certainly wasn't reciprocated. I think I’ve been consumed in many relationships actually, but I didn’t consider it negatively if the relationship was a healthy one. But it is. And now that I’ve had time away from relationships and have focused so much on myself I see things in a way I never have. I've observed things. I've seen people go from relationship to relationship with lightening quick speed and I think there’s no way they’ve even processed what they just went through. A good friend of mine has pretty openly said that she would stay in an unhealthy relationship and just wait for someone else to come along and then she’d jump into that relationship. That way... she'd never have to be alone. Because being alone is bad, bad, BAD.
Or...
Stay with me for this radical suggestion... Is it a time to reflect? A time to grow? A time to learn? A time to focus on the self? A time to become who you’ve always wanted to be? Being alone isn’t a bad thing, but what you do with that time is up to you.
I understand why the aforementioned friend, and several others I know, fall into this pattern. It’s because we want something from that person. Sometimes desperately. Whatever positive things we felt with him/her is what we’re really afraid to lose. You felt: sexy, intelligent, irresistible, funny, interesting, alive, creative, loved, etc… and now there’s a void. What I learned from a spiritual healer I met is that those qualities we felt with another person are available when they’re gone as well. In fact, they were always there and that person just showed you they were present. We can’t expect someone to show us our greatness. We’re supposed to know it and then willingly share it with those worthy of that. Loving yourself isn’t narcissistic. I just think it’s part of how we were meant to live, a very important part, but as I said before, I think it gets lost as chinks of ourselves get damaged and it changes our brains and our hearts.
One thing I’ve done lately… after listening to a podcast with Danielle Laporte... is to consider what she refers to as "core desired feelings." And to not go about it in a superficial way. To really consider what the feeling beneath the goal is. For example, instead of saying, “I want to be successful” consider what feelings are deeper within that desire for "success." Is it respect? Love? For me, love is definitely one of my core desired feelings. The difference in that I previously interacted with the world thinking, “Okay, I want love. Need a relationship so I can fully be the loving person I am.” Thinking from a self-love perspective and from what Laporte says, it’s about getting clear about your core desired feelings, NOT about setting up the world to help you feel the way you want to feel. It’s not about you wanting to feel loved or respected, but about us creating those intentions into reality. Not manifesting, but intentionally creating the things we want.
If I’m waiting around for someone to help me feel love or respect or joy or feminine or sexy or interesting, then I’m putting my happiness and desires in others' hands and relying upon them to make me feel that way. It makes so much sense to me now how that's a recipe for failure. None of us can choose what happens to us, but just how we feel about it.
Soooo... how can I bring love to the party? I can put out love. I can BE love. Same with each goal. I can give respect, I can put out creativity, I can be free. Her idea is a brand new way to think about goal achievement. And it works for me. Make your own rules. Set 'em up. Pause and notice the beauty of your life, then experience respect for your life. Same with love.
My soul has to match my goals. It has to work in the kitchen, the bedroom, and my heart. I’ve been thinking about what I need to do to create the feelings and life I want. And I’m much more conscious of my actions and thoughts and whether they're supporting or inhibiting what I want. Verrry aware when I'm not in alignment with my goals. They need to guide everything from what I eat to how I love.
Sometimes when I get in that monkey mind, it’s been as simple as reminding myself of my goals that snaps me out of it. Let’s say I’m feeling angry… I can ask myself what I can do right now to switch from anger to feeling love? How can I get that peaceful feeling at this time?
Lastly, I can say I realize the most important relationship I, or you, will ever have is the one with ourselves. We'll never find a mind-reader who can guess exactly what we need and give it to us, even if they wish they could. It means getting to know yourself, the gifts and desires that are uniquely yours, and choosing to take care of yourself like a mom takes care of her young children. I realize how cheesy this sounds--I hear it too-- but fuck it, it’s true.
Loneliness comes. And having a person to share life with is a great thing. It's just not vital. And the other person in whatever relationship (family member, friend or lover) needs to feel free. We are not a half that needs another half to be complete, we already are complete. How often do we see someone on facebook, posting photos of themselves with their significant other saying things that are meant to sound romantic like, “I don’t know how I’d exist without you” or “I’d be nothing without you” or "You're my everything." I inwardly cringe whenever I read something like that. Every relationship has give-and-take and sacrifice but it should never cause us to lose ourselves, to give everything in order to earn the love of another. A person who is afraid of abandonment, eventually turns relationships into a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy.
Learning to love myself? It was not one choice at all. It's a series of choices each day. And forgiving myself when I've acted outside of who I want to be. It’s also very real. And it is always available for the taking. Right here and now. In the present moment. It’s always a perfect time to start loving exactly who you are.
