6th Birthday Party

I made quite a realization whilst looking at the photos from Finn's birthday party this month.  One, I'm a terrible photographer.  Two, I literally need to shove my camera in someone's hand and ask them to take at LEAST one picture of me with my son so there's evidence that I actually attend the parties at my house, as opposed to sneaking out. Third, combining Christmas decorations with birthday decorations creates an interesting/strange/unique effect that I need to not stress about because I had a Christmas baby and I still find that very fitting.

I couldn't be more proud to be this little guy's mom.  Whether he's giving me the highest of compliments, telling me I'm the most beautiful person in the world, the best mother, or praising my acting chops while I read him stories.  I appreciate the other side too!  When he mutters about why I do certain things, questions why I'm such a nuisance or tells me my jokes aren't funny, I can't sing, and maybe he just needs to keep his options open for a new mother, there's always love.  That's what we have. 

The party really was fun.  I know he enjoyed it. And who doesn't have some love for Batman?  Come on.  The quote on the Batman cutout says, "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

#whatyogibhajansaid

This isn't a fun one to write.  One day I'm going to nail it with humor.  I'll killlll.  But I feel the need to get this out, so I can better process it and move on.

It’s hard letting go of a friendship. 

Really hard. 

I’ve been fighting for the friendship of the person I considered my best friend for a few years now because I haven’t wanted to lose it.  Through ups and downs.  Through periods of silence, followed by periods of close bonding and and planning fun life events.  I overlooked things, pretended that I could let things slide that I shouldn't.  I’d get sentimental about some of the hilarious, ridiculous, agonizingly emotional, and interesting memories I have with her and latch on to that emotion.  For so long, I've let that nostalgia override the other nagging feelings.  It's been a roller coaster.

But when I stopped fighting and let things settle naturally, they didn’t settle as I’d hoped.  And the hardest thing has been not rushing to put things back together, but to just let them be.  At this point in my life, I’m better at recognizing when I’m falling into fear-based thinking: trying to control and take charge of our relationship and make.it.work.  I knew if I wasn’t tending the garden of our friendship, it would shrivel up and… die.  

I don’t take that lightly. 

I have crazy strong endurance when it comes to my closest relationships, whether it’s staying up all night talking or feeling the pain of another person as I open my heart to their pain.  Whatever the situation, I have an all-in approach.  

There was a point when I stopped being understanding and empathetic and I tried to pull her into a positive frame of mind.  Maybe I tried to force her.  I will not be a part of her group of enablers.  My mistake was in thinking that we were like-minded.  When I’ve been hit with some difficult life situations in the last 5 years, she’s been there for me and with me, which I will always appreciate.  Always.  But my goal has consistently been to get back up: stronger and better than before.  I thought we were on the same wavelength and it took me a long time to realize that I wasn't seeing her make changes.  There was talk, but no action.  I just started to focus on why this frustrated me: 

She didn’t want to heal.  Not really.  Maybe it’s easier to stay in the darkness because no one will expect anything of you.  No expectations, goals or dreams to achieve.  No one can claim to be disappointed when you give them nothing to be disappointed in--if you never make an effort to attain a goal or dream. 

I wanted to be different for her.  She said she's never had a good friend who stayed.  I wanted to be the one who didn’t walk away as she showed me her darkness.  I saw it and accepted it, but I thought that was a place she was stuck at temporarily; not a permanent home.  I can’t meet her where she is.  I’m not willing to.  

Do I want better?  Do I want to heal?  For me, there’s no question that the answers are an emphatic yes and that I’m always on that path, even if I take steps backward I never lose track of the path.  I’m dedicated to me and I’m on my side.  I truly misunderstood my friend’s heart in this way.  She told me how she admired me and was inspired to do things to better herself, but her actions overrode her words. 

I can’t will someone into happiness, nor do I wish to have the same circular conversations over and over.  I realize I’ve cared more about her well-being than she does.  It’s broken my heart many times to talk her into joining the fight, only to see her throw her hands up at the first obstacle.

I don't think friendships like ours can morph into a casual one.  It's very obvious that something's changed and we can't relate in the same way.  I think she probably blames me. I blame me too--for a lot of it.  I should've engaged in tough love a lot sooner.  We were so exquisitely patient with each other.  I will always think of her with love.  I don't think the vice versa of that is true. 

My first instinct is to check my own inventory.  I know I haven't been a perfect friend.  Neither of us have.  I just have to follow my path and I will have her in my heart. 

http://www.pixteller.com/pdata/t/l-395837.jpg

Peace...

Image from http://quotespictures.com/returning-violence-for-violence-multiplies-violence-adding-deeper-darkness-to-a-night-already-devoid-of-stars-hate-cannot-drive-out-hate-only-love-can-do-that/

Heavy heart.  

Like many of you, I’m overwhelmed with the world’s tragedies and the ongoing shitstorm of idiocy.  I don’t know how exactly to process the inundation of daily stories detailing horrific events occurring.  The racism, homophobia, ignorance, hate… I’m so frustrated that the world is still plagued with this.  I hope there will be a day when I read the news and am not greeted with a story of violence in Shanghai, casualties in the Mediterranean, and the absolutely senseless mass killings in my own country.  

A week ago, my good friend lost her son.  His story was all over the local news due to the dramatic angle of the recklessness of another person causing his death.  He was a victim of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  People who commented on social media about how sad it is won’t remember the story in a month, but everyone who knew her son will forever be affected.  The story devastated me.  She and I had been talking about her son recently and she was telling me how she hoped he would be able to find his path.  He was 19 and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life when he was killed.  I keep thinking about the moment when her life went from “normal” to a person in mourning.  Forever in mourning.  It makes me tear up as I’m writing to imagine getting that phone call, her driving to the hospital in a panic, and being told it’s already too late—that there’s nothing to be done because he was already brain dead.  It hurts to think of the details.  The person who purposely crashed into his car, going over 60 MPH over the speed limit wanted to end her life and was willing, in that moment, to use another vehicle to accomplish that purpose.  However, the opposite happened and she’s alive and the two people in the other vehicle are dead.  

His death brought so many people to their knees and it’s really made me think how each of these senseless killings has such a large impact.  Each person’s life has such value.  

It’s sad that “world peace” is commonly just a punchline in jokes about beauty pageant idealism. Times are dark.  They are.  There’s no use in burying our heads in the sand and pretending otherwise.  When will the conversation move away from fights on social media toward what actions can be taken to make this better?  I only know that, even on a small level, we have some power to move towards peace and to not let these things darken are souls to where we throw our hands up.  We’re all in this experience together.  It’s time to ask critical questions.

What would happen, how would the tides shift if we began to bring more love, compassion to the mess of our lives?  A sea of change begins with one.  I met with a healer once who directed me to The Four Agreements, a book by Don Miguel Ruiz.  She suggested I read the book and asked me how different the world would be if we all followed these four simple agreements.  I’m just going to leave this here.  And think about it.  How would the world look if each of us made these agreements with ourselves?  Because it has to start with us.  And I’m not ready to give up.

Image from http://thepolyman.com/2011/06/the-four-agreements-summary/

Forever Young

 Honesty first... this is just an excuse to post some overdue pictures of my favorite...

Also... apologies for the poor formatting on this post.  Not sure why it's all screwed up.

With Finn's preschool graduation over and thoughts of his upcoming kindergarten year in the back of my mind, I'm so grateful that I'm not working for the next month.

I'm relishing it.

I want and try, emphasis on try, to soak up each moment of my time with him  and appreciate them as much as possible. And I don't hold back in telling him how much I adore him.  To the point where he now asks me, "What would you do without me?"  I don't want to know.

I know things will be different when he starts kindergarten.  And I don't know it will look like.  On our way to our adventures today we heard Rod Stewart's Forever Young play on the radio aaaand...

I teared up.

Yep, sure did...

And I'm completely aware of how sappy and cliche that is. I googled the lyrics when we got home and felt a mixture of feelings.  Not complete sadness, but more love, gratitude, and hope mixed with a knowledge of how fleeting it all is, which brings about a circular thought pattern of remembering to be loving, grateful, and appreciative.  I think in life we're full of mixed feelings.  Simultaneously.  Pema Chodron says, "We are walking, talking paradoxes."  So, although I want to see him grow to be a healthy, evolved, loving, man I also want to keep him at the exact age he is now.  Can't have both.  I accept that. 

May sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home.
And may you grow to be proud, dignified, and true.
And do unto others as you'd have them done to you.
Be courageous and brave
And in my heart you'll always stay forever young...

And when you finally fly away, I'll be hoping that I served you well.
For all the wisdom of a lifetime no one can ever tell...

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you win or lose
forever young...

The excitement was building for the fabulous train ride at Hogle Zoo

Okay... this FACE!  He was displeased at being asked to pose next to the elephants.  He likes to pretend to not like them because I love them, but don't love crocodiles (as he does)...the logic is what it is.

He saw the sign for the "World's Most Dangerous Creature" on our Dinosaur Park field trip.  He didn't hesitate to jump behind there and "frighten" me.

This picture kills me.  We rarely eat in the car, but we were on our way to the aquarium and I wanted to get there by a certain time so I opted to go to the drive thru at Crown Burger.  I asked if he was okay to eat during the ride and he said yes.  At one point, I looked back and saw this.  I couldn't take a picture at the time, but that FRY continued to hang out of his mouth for the rest of the ride, so I was able to capture the memory.

This kid.  Silly, smart.

I feel safer with this guy around!

Killing it at Lego Star Wars.

You might not guess it right off the bat... or ever...but this little collection of sticks, leaves, and rocks is our offering to the "stick people"... yep...

Graduation day!  Happy/sad.

Not a fan of shoes in the house, but we're at his preschool celebration "Muffins with Moms."  One of the last preschool activities and I think we snagged the cuddliest, coziest spot.  Aww...

I Am Mine

Image from http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YxXGXEy6vcE/TVvmgwbLZKI/AAAAAAAAA7g/W3ilesmE5IQ/s1600/evtour2.jpg

The ocean is full 'cause everyone's crying
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
I only know my mind
I am mine

--Pearl Jam

There are things you hear.  They sound great, but maybe you dismiss them.  I’ve heard repetitive messages for a while now. Things have come to me as whispers or through having my ass hit pavement.  It's like the universe tries to be a gentle, friendly advisor at first, but eventually realizes it needs to turn into an asshole tough love counselor.  We’ve all been told certain truths and, while we may absentmindedly agree with them and believe that they’re more than likely accurate… sometimes it just feels like a nice thought, such as “carpe diem.” Sometimes I can’t “carpe diem” because I didn’t get enough sleep to call myself cognizant, let alone thriving and ready to seize the day. I know there will be no seizing on this day!  Sometimes I just feel drained and I know it’s not going to be my best day. In theory, I agree with many of the positive ideologies as to how to live a good life. But there’s one I didn’t consider because I was sort of numb to it. I didn’t want to think too much about it.

Love yourself first.

This is the one. I’d heard it. I’ve read it in several books, heard it from healers, heard it in therapy, I’ve always accepted that it’s a truth. Yeah, that's pretty obvious.   I’ve even recommended it to others when they would ask my advice on a topic. I could easily recognize when someone didn’t have self-respect or love for themselves. But I didn’t give it much thought for me. I assumed I was okay with myself, so everything was fiiiine. What does it mean to love yourself anyway? I mean… really…

It almost seemed like self-love was some nebulous idea floating in outer space. Or something everyone had heard about and waited in line for and I was juuuust short and they’d run out by the time I got to the counter. And so I had to walk away and say, "It's cool, my bad for not getting here sooner.  Maybe some other time..." 

But it’s not that at all. 

And it doesn’t mean pinning a fake smile to our faces or pretending to be happy when we feel like shit. It’s very real. Loving ourselves can be the subtlest, simplest, most honest thing in the world. Often, it’s just a whisper—a raw whisper we fail to hear in the blazing blur of our busy lives. It’s that persistent, little whisper begging us to pause, to slow down—to slow way down—and take care of ourselves. It’s the deep breath we remember to take when we’re overwhelmed and the world seems to be spinning beneath our shaky feet. It’s the time we allow ourselves to cry. It’s the rage we allow ourselves to feel. It’s the loneliness we finally face. It’s the nourishing meal we cook for ourselves.

I’ve often thought, and this is common with women, that I’m a giver and that’s where I thrive. I could give everything to another person and it allowed me to escape the reality of my own life. When I was married, I became consumed with how he felt. It certainly wasn't reciprocated.  I think I’ve been consumed in many relationships actually, but I didn’t consider it negatively if the relationship was a healthy one. But it is. And now that I’ve had time away from relationships and have focused so much on myself I see things in a way I never have.  I've observed things.  I've seen people go from relationship to relationship with lightening quick speed and I think there’s no way they’ve even processed what they just went through. A good friend of mine has pretty openly said that she would stay in an unhealthy relationship and just wait for someone else to come along and then she’d jump into that relationship. That way... she'd never have to be alone. Because being alone is bad, bad, BAD.  

Or...

Stay with me for this radical suggestion... Is it a time to reflect? A time to grow? A time to learn? A time to focus on the self? A time to become who you’ve always wanted to be? Being alone isn’t a bad thing, but what you do with that time is up to you.

I understand why the aforementioned friend, and several others I know, fall into this pattern. It’s because we want something from that person. Sometimes desperately.  Whatever positive things we felt with him/her is what we’re really afraid to lose.  You felt: sexy, intelligent, irresistible, funny, interesting, alive, creative, loved, etc… and now there’s a void. What I learned from a spiritual healer I met is that those qualities we felt with another person are available when they’re gone as well. In fact, they were always there and that person just showed you they were present.  We can’t expect someone to show us our greatness. We’re supposed to know it and then willingly share it with those worthy of that. Loving yourself isn’t narcissistic. I just think it’s part of how we were meant to live, a very important part, but as I said before, I think it gets lost as chinks of ourselves get damaged and it changes our brains and our hearts.

One thing I’ve done lately… after listening to a podcast with Danielle Laporte... is to consider what she refers to as "core desired feelings."  And to not go about it in a superficial way.  To really consider what the feeling beneath the goal is. For example, instead of saying, “I want to be successful” consider what feelings are deeper within that desire for "success." Is it respect? Love? For me, love is definitely one of my core desired feelings. The difference in that I previously interacted with the world thinking, “Okay, I want love. Need a relationship so I can fully be the loving person I am.” Thinking from a self-love perspective and from what Laporte says, it’s about getting clear about your core desired feelings, NOT about setting up the world to help you feel the way you want to feel. It’s not about you wanting to feel loved or respected, but about us creating those intentions into reality. Not manifesting, but intentionally creating the things we want.

If I’m waiting around for someone to help me feel love or respect or joy or feminine or sexy or interesting, then I’m putting my happiness and desires in others' hands and relying upon them to make me feel that way. It makes so much sense to me now how that's a recipe for failure.  None of us can choose what happens to us, but just how we feel about it. 

Soooo... how can I bring love to the party? I can put out love.  I can BE love.  Same with each goal.  I can give respect, I can put out creativity, I can be free. Her idea is a brand new way to think about goal achievement.  And it works for me.  Make your own rules. Set 'em up. Pause and notice the beauty of your life, then experience respect for your life. Same with love.

My soul has to match my goals. It has to work in the kitchen, the bedroom, and my heart. I’ve been thinking about what I need to do to create the feelings and life I want. And I’m much more conscious of my actions and thoughts and whether they're supporting or inhibiting what I want.  Verrry aware when I'm not in alignment with my goals. They need to guide everything from what I eat to how I love.

Sometimes when I get in that monkey mind, it’s been as simple as reminding myself of my goals that snaps me out of it. Let’s say I’m feeling angry… I can ask myself what I can do right now to switch from anger to feeling love? How can I get that peaceful feeling at this time?

Lastly, I can say I realize the most important relationship I, or you, will ever have is the one with ourselves.  We'll never find a mind-reader who can guess exactly what we need and give it to us, even if they wish they could. It means getting to know yourself, the gifts and desires that are uniquely yours, and choosing to take care of yourself like a mom takes care of her young children. I realize how cheesy this sounds--I hear it too-- but fuck it, it’s true.
 

Loneliness comes.  And having a person to share life with is a great thing.  It's just not vital.  And the other person in whatever relationship (family member, friend or lover) needs to feel free. We are not a half that needs another half to be complete, we already are complete. How often do we see someone on facebook, posting photos of themselves with their significant other saying things that are meant to sound romantic like, “I don’t know how I’d exist without you” or “I’d be nothing without you” or "You're my everything."  I inwardly cringe whenever I read something like that. Every relationship has give-and-take and sacrifice but it should never cause us to lose ourselves, to give everything in order to earn the love of another. A person who is afraid of abandonment, eventually turns relationships into a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy.

Learning to love myself? It was not one choice at all. It's a series of choices each day.  And forgiving  myself when I've acted outside of who I want to be.  It’s also very real. And it is always available for the taking. Right here and now. In the present moment. It’s always a perfect time to start loving exactly who you are.