Finn. I guess I've always secretly hoped he'd be the "Cool Kid." The one other boys would want to hang out with, girls would have crushes on, and who would always be invited to birthday parties. Lately I've been reading a lot of valuable books to him about self esteem, creativity, bullying, being unique, and friendship. It put me in a frame of mind to where I wonder how he'll acclimate to public school and being a worrying mom, I want to protect him from any painful circumstances by drumming it into his head that he's a spectacular person and that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him, as long as HE knows his value. He hears me say it and he believes it.
Sooo... you know you're awesome, right? And that you're the one who controls how you feel about yourself? No one can take that away?
Yep.
Oh, okay, good!
I realized I wanted these things so that he would feel good about himself and know how awesome he is, which he currently already does. Without meaning to, my intention was setting him up to fail--needing others to admire him so he felt likeable.
When I think back to the "Cool Kid" during my school years, I remembered many times where his cool factor came at a cost, usually at the expense of others. There was an edge--a self confidence that was built on feeling better than those around him, and when he felt bad about himself, he lashed out, usually at the underdog. Every now and then there was one "Cool Kid" who wasn't like the others, who was just a genuinely nice person and lucky enough to be recognized for that.
This year has been great for Finn in many ways and a little difficult in others. As much as I've wanted to shelter him from the cruel moments of childhood, I can't. And I'm realizing... slowly, sloooowly, realizing... as I've grown as a mother, that I wouldn't shelter him from those even if I could. Each time I see another child act poorly toward him has been a moment where I can offer support, perspective, and teach him how to combat the actions/words of others to believe in himself. He is learning the foundations of compassion, empathy, and self-worth that can only come from within. Don't get me wrong--it's hard to resist the mama bear urge to take the child who is being hurtful over my knees and give him a spanking (or something equally exciting and humiliating), but that's a lesson for the "Cool Kid" to have to learn on his own, not one for me to teach.
Ugh.
To be "all in" this motherhood business--to feel the weight of the fact that I am in charge of shaping this incredible little being--can almost undo me some days. Life is hard, and so beautiful. I love my son.
This picture is before the Holi Festival where he was lovingly splattered with color. The way his creamy arm is tucked between his legs makes me crazy!!!
Have you met Baby Cutes Cutes? His... son?
After the festival... check me out.
